# Awaiting the black marble...



## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

I was diagnosed november 15th with a 5cm x 3cm x 3cm primary nodule (Right wing) and 2 secondary nodules (left wing), one of which is calcified.
(I named the primary nodule "Cecil".) Symptoms, about 1 month. Biopsy scheduled for the 2nd of December, full thyroidectomy scheduled after the results come in.

Of the four primary types of Thyroid CA, Anaplastic is the rarest, and deadliest. Statistically, I don't have it- statistically, I probably don't have CA at all. (Although the rapid growth, calcification, and multiple nodules don't look good.)

However, statistics don't share a house with a wonderful wife and four wonderful, small, children, who are the center of my universe. I picture the biopsy results as a bag, with four marbles. Two white, one gray, one black. Rationally, the white ones are big, the gray medium, and the black one tiny. Emotionally, though, the black one is the biggest, and the one I'm convinced I'm going to draw next Thursday.

Don't get me wrong. I hate drama, and melodrama is the worst. However, the fact remains that my biopsy results may include an Anaplastic diagnosis. Thus, morbid thoughts intrude- I keep having unbidden vignettes of saying goodbye to the kids, and hoping they will remember me, and of my wife having to raise them by herself, without me there as I promised I always would be. I'm strong, and indifferent to my own fate. However, when I think of losing my family-of leaving them alone- I am undone. I am doing my best to be chipper-to focus on the statistics- and the only ethical prayer is "Thy Will Be Done". The reason I'm posting here is I think someone may be able to relate to this admittedly irrational problem, and in commiseration I may find solace. Thank you for reading this post.


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

tominsanjose said:


> I was diagnosed november 15th with a 5cm x 3cm x 3cm primary nodule (Right wing) and 2 secondary nodules (left wing), one of which is calcified.
> (I named the primary nodule "Cecil".) Symptoms, about 1 month. Biopsy scheduled for the 2nd of December, full thyroidectomy scheduled after the results come in.
> 
> Of the four primary types of Thyroid CA, Anaplastic is the rarest, and deadliest. Statistically, I don't have it- statistically, I probably don't have CA at all. (Although the rapid growth, calcification, and multiple nodules don't look good.)
> ...


Tom; hi there and welcome!! While a very huge disrupting factor in your life, keep the faith here. I am here to tell you that every single person I know that has had thyroid cancer is doing great today and I know a lot of people through the forums and boards.

You can find solace here. We all care very much and we will champion you all the way!

You are "writer!" I am impressed; loved reading your post w/ the exception to the subject matter.

I take it you did not have FNA (fine needle aspiration) yet? If not, will you let us know when it is scheduled?

Have you had any of these tests?

TSI (thyroid stimulating immunoglobulin),TPO (antimicrosomal antibodies) TBII (thyrotropin-binding inhibitory immunoglobulin), Thyroglobulin Ab, ANA (antinuclear antibodies), (thyroid hormone panel) TSH, Free T3, Free T4.

You can look this stuff up here and more.........
http://www.labtestsonline.org/unders...s/thyroid.html


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## Debbie from Milwaukee (Apr 18, 2010)

Tom:
Welcome to the board, albeit for a tough reason for being here. I think what you are describing is one of the most difficult emotional states--that of NOT KNOWING the outcome of a scary medical diagnosis. Since your wife and daughters comprise the greatest part of your life, the thought of losing them really gets to you.

I hope evidence-based assurances from posters here will help you until you get your biopsy on Thursday. Certainly once you find out exactly what you are facing you may experience quite a bit of relief, even if the diagnosis ends up being more challenging than the others.

Let us hope and pray that time flies for you until "Cecil" is named and perhaps targeted for deletion. Hang in there, and visit the board frequently!


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## tina (Sep 17, 2010)

Tom.. I can so relate to what you are saying. I just had my TT on the 23rd. Path. report will be given Tuesday. My biggest fear is the "UNKNOWN". I keep saying that God will take care of me and I really do believe His will be done. But, what if His will is not what I want? I am a mother of 2 "almost" grown wonderful children and the wife to a wonderful man. I am terrified of them going through this. I can handle anything life throws at me, but, I just don't want them to suffer. Therefore, we suffer in silence. At least hear is a great place you can vent your fears and worries and everyone understands. Hang in there. I will be praying for you.


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## GingerCMusick (Nov 17, 2010)

My prayers are with anyone going through this. I know without the love and prayers from my family and friends, I would fall apart. The main thing is to try your best to stay positive, even though sometimes that is Just easier said than done. Also, getting prompt treatment and dealing with it in a 'head on' matter is great.


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## nikimcn (Oct 16, 2010)

Hi there.
I'm Niki.
I have Hashi's and they found nodules by chance when I was having neck pain. yada yada yada.
Today was my biopsy.
My results will be in hopefully Friday.
i'm in the same boat you are.
4 kids.
husband.
facing all these pressures.
Hang in there. This board has helped me tremendously.:hugs:


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

To all who've replied:
Thank you for responding. I was at the surgeon's today, and it's funny- she was a resident on the ICU when I worked there, 5 years ago. Now she's an attending.(They grow up so FAST!) She's bringing in a specialist for the surgery, and she concurs- by the clinical presentation, it's probably cancer. Now, to get my endocrinologist to expedite the biopsy. (It's this thursday-yesterday isn't fast enough, for me.)

Andros, no new labs as of yet- TSH, CBC, LDH, Chem 12, CXR, ultrasound. The usual suspects. We discussed getting more, but we agreed- the damn thing is coming out- would any more labs change the plan?

Nikimcn, Ginger, Tina, Debbie- Thank you. 3 boys and a girl, actually, all 7 and under. I'm keeping it to my wife and close friends for now- although my wife has told the "mommy mafia" to rally the troops for childcare around surgery time. Everyone's been great, but until I know more, no distant family- why trouble people around the holidays?

Niki- I'm sorry that you are going through this too- you know EXACTLY what I'm going through. After the surgeon's office, I took my wife to lunch. Walking afterward, she said, " The fact that she (the surgeon) agreed with you that it's cancer has me REALLY freaked out" and the tears started coming. I held it together. But then we went to pick up the kids from school. I was fine with the boys, but when my daughter came running with her happy " DADDDY DADDDY!!!!" scream and jumped into my arms, I lost it for a minute. God, how embarrassing. And for what- a slim chance of Anaplastic. It's ridiculous, and I keep waiting for my warning letter from the Man Club to knock off the emotives....


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

Tina,
I hope tuesday brings you good news. Be well.


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## CareBear3030 (Jun 9, 2010)

Andros said:


> You are "writer!" I am impressed; loved reading your post w/ the exception to the subject matter.


I immediately thought the same thing! THis guy needs to write a book! Tom, please, start a blog now! Those that come along after you will appreciate your feelings as they happen!

I also had the same exact thoughts. I would break out crying at the drop of a hat... With my family on the beach because this could be their last memories of me. We'd go to our favorite place to eat and I'd try something new because it could be my last time to eat there. I was constantly thinking of "the end". It drove me crazy. I was actually able to relax more and exhale once I received my diagnosis. I also agree that its the unknown. Now looking back, it was only about half as bad as I thought it was while I was going through it!

Please do your best to relax and get your mind off of it. I drove myself insane with worry and most of my days were only good when I didnt dwell on that horrible C word!! You WILL make it through this no matter the outcome! You WILL still be around to love and play and protect your children and wife. I will be praying for you.


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

In my dream, I walked outside, and climbed the play structure that I built my kids. It's my nighttime observatory, and where I go to think and unwind.

However, in my dream, I was not unwinding. I was railing against the Night for what has befallen me, and by extension, my family. How could you let this happen? Why? How is this fair?

"I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS!!!"

The Night- holy, serene, and eternal, listened. And then the Night answered.

"Nor did my Son," it said.


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

Tina- I hope your results are good. Ginger-we have our TTs a day apart (I'm the 16th.)
Thank you for your helpful words; it's comforting knowing that there are others who are also bearing the same burdens, and doing it gracefully.


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

CareBear,
Thank you. Somehow, today, after the dream I had, I don't feel nearly as bad as I did. I think that was acceptance; I now know I can do this.


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## tina (Sep 17, 2010)

Tom ~ Thank you for your kind words. I have really enjoyed reading your words. The subject sucks, I know, but you are a beautiful writer. I am now 1 full week post TT and feel great. I know this is a long road to recovery, but I am back to work and doing most anything I want. Life is too short to worry about all of the things we cannot change. we just have to have Faith that God will take care of our needs the way he sees fit. Cherish the time you have with your children. Maybe this little bump in the road is just God's way of helping you take all of those you love and cherish them even more.


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

Tomorrow we find out the official results of the biopsy, but my throat is telling me now- it's anaplastic. My airway is getting tighter on a daily basis; this thing is growing absurdly fast. Surgery is scheduled for the 16th, although I fear it will not do much good.
Tell me, how do you say goodbye to 4 children under 7, and a wife you are passionate about? How do you stop the screaming inside?


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## GD Women (Mar 5, 2007)

tominsanjose said:


> How do you stop the screaming inside?


How about praying.

Seriously!

I'll say a prayer for you.

Which ever way tomorrow turns, I'll pray for you and your family.

Good Luck!

ASAP4U :hugs:


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

tominsanjose said:


> Tomorrow we find out the official results of the biopsy, but my throat is telling me now- it's anaplastic. My airway is getting tighter on a daily basis; this thing is growing absurdly fast. Surgery is scheduled for the 16th, although I fear it will not do much good.
> Tell me, how do you say goodbye to 4 children under 7, and a wife you are passionate about? How do you stop the screaming inside?


Oh, dear!!! We are here for you!! Please try not to be so upset. I know this is glib of me but I don't know how to help your fears!!

Just want you to know that I care; we all care and even if it is the big "C", it will be taken care of and you are not going to be saying goodbye to anyone....................NO WAY!!!!

Will be waiting to hear from you. The 16th. can't come too soon.


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## tominsanjose (Nov 29, 2010)

God answers prayers. It's papillary. I get to be old. Thank you all.


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## Guest (Dec 7, 2010)

Have been praying and thinking about you. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope and pray that you have a very successful surgery and a speedy recovery.

Stay strong, take care of yourself and get plenty of rest to allow your body time to heal so that you all can enjoy each other and have a beautiful life together for a long time.

Remember to cherish and treasure your wonderful wife and children every minute of everyday(as I know you will),because it sounds like they have a wonderful husband and father that will be with them for a long while yet.

Sending you all big hugs!

Kay


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## GD Women (Mar 5, 2007)

tominsanjose said:


> God answers prayers. It's papillary. I get to be old. Thank you all.


God does answer prayers. You and your family was in mine all day.

So glad you get to be old and take it from an old lady - its a lot of fun.

God Bless you and your family.

Keep us up dated.:hugs:


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## tina (Sep 17, 2010)

Tom - Wonderful News!!! Never thought we would hear the big C and still think wonderful huh? God works in such amazing ways! So happy to hear this for you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers..we still have to get better.


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