# Significant other support...



## Jya1124 (Oct 1, 2011)

Just wondering for all of you out there how your significant other/spouse supports or doesn't support you. This journey has been hell on me, but I almost feel like it is worse for my husband. He never seems to know how to help or what to do or even how to understand. I know it is wearing on us, and I just wanted to know if anyone had any tips on helping their spouse to understand. Thanks!!


----------



## bigfoot (May 13, 2011)

Yeah, it's hard enough on us, but really hard on any family members, friends, co-workers, etc. They see you are still walking and talking (more or less) and figure you are "fine". Folks aren't really going to understand unless they've "been there, done that". In some ways you have to limit yourself, your activities, etc. That's probably the hardest part, at least IMHO. You *want* to do all these things, but don't feel well enough or get burned out easily.

My wife is very understanding and has been patient through all of this, but she is human like the rest of us. Some days have worn her down, and some days are better than others. I can't think of any magic phrase to make things easier. I try to support her the best I can, and have to catch myself rambling on about medical stuff at times. The silver lining is that we see the fun in the smaller day-to-day activities and try not to take things (or each other) for granted. I would definitely say the last few years have made our relationship stronger, although along the way it has been tested.

Something else I've noticed; because there is no real consensus on testing and treatment in the medical community for thyroid issues, things are made harder than they need to be -- both on you as a patient, and your family / support network. For example, with my liver disease I was given lab tests, a biopsy, proceeded to chemo, and was followed up every single step of the way. This is how my thyroid stuff was caught -- my TSH was being monitored every month, and they knew the harsh drugs could cause / trigger it. There was a defined plan at the outset that was used as a guide. Unfortunately, this seems to be sorely lacking in the endocrine field but I hope that will change over time. So in the meantime folks have to play both patient AND part-time medical researcher.

Phew, okay, now I'm rambling again...


----------



## Jya1124 (Oct 1, 2011)

Seriously! And it makes us look like hypercondriacts. The doctors
Look at me like I'm a crazy person because I ask for certain labs to be run and certain numbers...I tell them I have read this or researched that and they all get the same look on their faces but 99% of the time were right!!! My doctor told me nothing was wrong with my neck and that my feeling of not being able to swallow was anxiety. I forced him to do an ultrasound and sure enough I have a huge goiter---which thEy are not doing anything for. My hair is all falling out too...he says it's from stress---umm no. So when my husband hears me complaining about it he automatically thinks the doctor had to know
What he is talking about and I must be over exaggerating. So stressful.


----------



## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

Jya1124 said:


> Seriously! And it makes us look like hypercondriacts. The doctors
> Look at me like I'm a crazy person because I ask for certain labs to be run and certain numbers...I tell them I have read this or researched that and they all get the same look on their faces but 99% of the time were right!!! My doctor told me nothing was wrong with my neck and that my feeling of not being able to swallow was anxiety. I forced him to do an ultrasound and sure enough I have a huge goiter---which thEy are not doing anything for. My hair is all falling out too...he says it's from stress---umm no. So when my husband hears me complaining about it he automatically thinks the doctor had to know
> What he is talking about and I must be over exaggerating. So stressful.


Please please get a better doctor. And since you started a different thread, I don't know your history.

Are you on medication for thyroid? Have you had antibodies' tests and tests to rule out cancer?


----------



## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

I agree...based on this post, I believe you should look for a different doctor - one who WILL listen to you!


----------



## peaches (Sep 29, 2009)

My significant other coped by having an affair. He said it was the intellectual aspects of the relationship that drew him to her. IE: didn't have to deal with medical issues. He was "worn out". Go figure. It was so selfish of me to need emotional support from my spouse. What was I thinking. Anyway, now he says he's sorry and wants to be a great husband. How does anyone believe that?


----------



## webster2 (May 19, 2011)

My husband deserves a medal for what he put up with. I am really glad he's still here! Hang in there.


----------



## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

peaches said:


> Anyway, now he says he's sorry and wants to be a great husband. How does anyone believe that?


With counseling...


----------



## Lovlkn (Dec 20, 2009)

I married a saint and thank God for him every day.

Thyroid disease is difficult for everyone involved. Having a discussion board helps alot because we can share our feelings and talk about the medical part.

Finding a friend who has thyroid issues you can email helps as well. My best friend held my hand through my surgery decision and lives across the country and we've never met in person - BUT we email almost daily and speak by telephone often. We are planning a trip to meet in the next few months, I've known her for over 6 years. We've come to know each other so well that we can point out when our meds are off by the way we speak or how we view things.

My husband was at the end of his rope about the time I opted for surgery - he had to deal with me as hyper for 7 years and then the ups and downs of anti thyroid medications for another 4.5 years. The constant doctor visits (hypochondriac), the constant symptoms and my endless complaining about how something was wrong and why couldn't the doctors figure it out. Since my surgery it's been a completely different relationship and that is a blessing. It's actually better than before the thyroid disease which tells me maybe the thyroid disease was around alot longer than when I thought it started.


----------



## desrtbloom (May 23, 2010)

I'm so sorry Peaches. I would have a hard time believing my husband if he did that to me, especially when I was ill. That is seriously poor judgment and behavior.

I feel very lucky. My husband researched the diseases and so he made himself aware of what I was going through. I hadn't realized he had done so until we were talking about Graves' Disease one night and I was telling him all the symptoms I was experiencing and then he started asking me about other symptoms, etc., and said that he researched Graves' and Hashi's so he would know what was going on.

Jya - Maybe you could give him some materials to read so he can learn more about your diagnosis and be more informed. Also, men make terrible patients (not all, but a lot of them) and so I think they tend to not want to deal with illness in themselves or the ones they love. A little education may go along way. Also, if you communicate what you need from him so he knows and isn't guessing or doing nothing because he doesn't know what to do, you would get the support you need. These diseases and thyroid disease period is extremely tough. I know when I was seriously emotionally messed up and I could feel I was losing it, I would just tell my husband upfront that I was having a hard time and so not to take my crying or anger or depression as a sign I'm unhappy with him or our relationship.

Lastly, counseling might me in order if it is starting to have a serious effect on your relationship.

Good luck hun. Hang in there.

Patti


----------



## webster2 (May 19, 2011)

Once I was diagnosed wiyth Graves, my husband said it was easier to know that what was going on was not the real me. He researched as well and found a site for family memhers of Grave's folks. The only question he asked during the appointment with the ENT was would the surgery end the mood swings. And, it has...TG.

I was in counseling before the diagnosis and felt great while I was in the therapist's office but no one knew what we were dealing with.


----------



## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

peaches said:


> My significant other coped by having an affair. He said it was the intellectual aspects of the relationship that drew him to her. IE: didn't have to deal with medical issues. He was "worn out". Go figure. It was so selfish of me to need emotional support from my spouse. What was I thinking. Anyway, now he says he's sorry and wants to be a great husband. How does anyone believe that?


You don't! What you held to be sacred no longer is. Not to mention diseases and "other" problems.

I am so so sorry!! You are not alone in this experience; that's a given.

{{{{Peaches}}}}


----------

