# Having an emotional night



## adagio (Jun 25, 2012)

It could be that I'm hypo and can't control my emotions, but...I'm so flippin' scared...

My thyroid nodule has been causing so much trouble these past few days, and it actually HURTS now. (It has been since last night...nothing major - just more of an "ow" than anything.)

Nonetheless, reality set in that I'm actually having surgery in four weeks...and I'm freaking out. All the "what ifs" in the world are flying through my head! I'm terrified of living with half of a thyroid. What if the remaining lobe can't take over? What if it takes forever to get the right replacement hormone dosage? What if I'm not able to dance anymore? (That one kills me right there...there are few things I love more than classical ballet. Not being able to take class would be devastating.)

I know this thing is giving me more trouble than I care to deal with, and I'm ready to have it out. I'm just having a hard time with it. I want my life BACK...I don't want to risk having a mere shell of a life due to insufficient thyroid hormone. I'm doing this so that I can feel good again! I don't want to trade one problem for another.

I'm no longer sobbing in a ball on my bed, so this is a plus. Hey, at least I'm not trying to back out of it this time, right?

Somebody - please - tell me this is going to make my life so much better than it is now!


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## desrtbloom (May 23, 2010)

First - BREATHE! 

It will all be okay!  It does sound like you are probably more emotional due to your thyroid issues. The reality is that you will feel better. The reality is that you will have a time period of adjustment to your thryoid replacement and some people take longer than others. It WILL all be okay in the end.  The surgery is not nearly as bad as we all have invisioned. I have had other surgeries in my life that were WAAAAY more difficult to recover from that my thyroidectomy.

Just curious as to you why you don't just have a total thyroidectomy and get it over with so that you don't have to always be worrying about whether or not the remaining lobe is functioning properly?

You WILL be able to dance. It might take you awhile to start feeling better, but I don't see why you couldn't dance again.

Thyroid disease all takes time, so just remember that it will take time to recover and get your meds just right, but there is HOPE and I'm confident in the end you will get there like the rest of us. 

:hugs:


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## joplin1975 (Jul 21, 2011)

Yes, breathe. It may take some time to get things regulated, but you will get regulated and while the process can be frustrating, it's not the end of the world. I wanted immediate results, so I will say it was really helpful to have Andros's guideline of giving yourself 18 months for full recovery.

It'll be. Ahead for me on August 29th. Yesterday, I woke up at 5am, did barn choose, worked in the morning, did a quick four mile run over lunch, worked in the afternoon, had a 30 min. riding lesson after work, came home, did evening barn chores, took my dog for a walk, and then made dinner.  so I'm thinking you'll be able to dance. And probabaly more than you did before surgery.


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

adagio said:


> It could be that I'm hypo and can't control my emotions, but...I'm so flippin' scared...
> 
> My thyroid nodule has been causing so much trouble these past few days, and it actually HURTS now. (It has been since last night...nothing major - just more of an "ow" than anything.)
> 
> ...


Maybe it is more terrifying to not have the surgery. I would want it out, STAT!

That is not to dismiss your angst. I hear you loud and clear and I do care a bunch and I do mean a bunch! Any surgery is fraught with some uncertainty.


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## webster2 (May 19, 2011)

Take a nice deep breath! You will be able to dance again.

I had a partial thyroidectomy in 1990. I was 31 years old. We had cows, horses, sheep, ducks and geese. I worked full time away from the farm as well as working on the farm, had a 10 year old child, was very active biking, working out and enjoying life. I felt much better after the surgery.

Here's what I think my big mistake was....it may or may not have merit, but in my mind, it makes sense. I was prescribed Synthroid after the surgery and took it for one year, just long enough to get through a pregnancy. I wish I had continued to take it, but I didn't, so I will never know if dealing with Graves might have been different.

Right now is probably the most stressful time for you because you have four weeks to think about it. The recovery is not bad at all. Think about your recovery time, and gather some things that you think might make you feel comfy. I got new sheets, & V- necked tops. My daughter filled my freezer with individually prepared GF foods. 

Last Saturday, was one year out from the last surgery. I feel great. I am pretty active, not exhausted, no ear or neck pain. For me, best of all NO MORE MOOD SWINGS! I am glad the monster left. Life is good!


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

adagio, please do your best to let go of the worry. You will feel so much better after surgery, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner! You might even dance your way out of the hospital!!! (Okay, that's a stretch, but with all of the pain and discomfort you are feeling, I honestly do believe you will be extremely relieved to get this over with.)

I really wish, for your sake, that your surgery was tomorrow!


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## adagio (Jun 25, 2012)

Oh, thank you all so much!!! I wish my surgery was tomorrow, too!!! (Except that she only does surgeries on Tuesdays and Thursdays...but that's beside the point!)

I'm really hoping this is all from the thyroid swings...literally, one minute I'm like, "Get this thing outta me!", and the next, I'm like, "I can't do this!!!" When I was a kid, my dad always said that looking forward to something (vacation, birthdays, Christmas) was the best part. Does that mean that the anticipation of surgery is the worst part? I'm assuming so...

At this point, I'm only having the left side removed because the right side appears perfectly healthy. My endo and surgeon both agree that this is the best plan for me. I'm with them, because I'm even terrified of HALF of it being gone! (Imagine what I'd be like if it was the whole thing?) Of course, if she finds cancer whilst I'm in the OR, the whole thing goes. I've already signed an agreement on that.

I just got myself some v-neck shirts a few days ago ($5 each!), and I've already planned to wear the hot pink one to the hospital, since it's a happy color.  I've got my fall term schedule for my ballet studio, so I'm looking forward to getting back to class (once I'm OK to do more strenuous exercise again). I've been cleaning my apartment every day (because I want to be prepared AND I'm crazy), and I'm deciding what I'll want for dinner once I'm home. I've already got a Norwex party planned in September as a celebration of my recovery. (I get to sit there and watch the consultant do demos and clean my place for me...BONUS!)

I'm also trying to look forward to being able to dance again - and better than before, like you all said. Perhaps I'll be able to do double pirouettes again (spotting has been troublesome). I'll be able to move my head the way it's supposed to, right?  Maybe I'll have enough energy to get through a hard petite allegro without feeling like I'm dying. Hey, that would be fun!

It's so good to know that you have all been through this and are doing great. I've got to stay focused on that...I want my life back!!!!!!!

I seriously don't know what I'd do without your support. (Likely, I'd still be in a ball, crying my eyes out.) You are all the BEST!


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

adagio said:


> Perhaps I'll be able to do double pirouettes again (spotting has been troublesome). I'll be able to move my head the way it's supposed to, right?  Maybe I'll have enough energy to get through a hard petite allegro without feeling like I'm dying.


That's EXACTLY what I was thinking!!!


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## adagio (Jun 25, 2012)

My ballet teacher thinks the same thing. She's SO supportive of me, and she's even said, "I'm so excited for you! This is gonna be awesome! Just think of what you'll be able to do again!" She's a pretty amazing woman...

As these next four weeks transpire, I'm praying for more days of "Get this thing outta me!", and fewer moments of weakness.

And...uh...I don't think I'll be dancing my way to the hospital. Ballet is pretty brutal and we have some crazy stamina, but it's a 45-minute drive...and the neighbors might start wondering...


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

adagio said:


> And...uh...I don't think I'll be dancing my way to the hospital. Ballet is pretty brutal and we have some crazy stamina, but it's a 45-minute drive...and the neighbors might start wondering...


LOL! hugs4


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## webster2 (May 19, 2011)

adagio said:


> Ballet is pretty brutal and we have some crazy stamina.


This is why I think you will do very well with recovery but it is always nice to give the neighbors something to think about!


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## adagio (Jun 25, 2012)

Awww...thanks for the encouragement!!!!! I have to remember what they put us through in class...and how hard it is...and how much I like it... (I'm a former triathlete...I got bored with that, so I switched to classical ballet, and four years into it, it's still kicking my butt!)

As far as the neighbors are concerned, I think a hospital gown with a pink tutu would complete the picture.


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

adagio said:


> As far as the neighbors are concerned, I think a hospital gown with a pink tutu would complete the picture.


Be careful...you might end up in a completely different part of the hospital with that outfit, if you know what I mean! 

Wow - I am so impressed that you are a ballet "convert"! I have always envisioned ballet dancers starting pretty much out of the womb. That is very impressive that you started relatively recently! (I'm a former triathlete...and...well...I'm still just a former triathlete!)


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## adagio (Jun 25, 2012)

Octavia - a costume change before I walk in the door to the hospital is important. That's what the v-neck shirt is for. 

Yes, I started ballet at the young age of 30, after five years of racing and training for triathlons/half marathons, etc. We've got a very dedicated, hard-working adult division, and my studio is a professional school - so they're not afraid to work us HARD! I'll be starting my 5th year of training in September, and I'm hoping that some time soon, I'll be able to start working en pointe! (I have uber-flexible ankles, so I need to be careful.) I never dreamed that ballet would be so much more of a challenge than endurance sports!

That's actually what put me over the edge last night. I was watching a YouTube video of a Bolshoi class, and I started bawling... My only thought was, "What if I'll never be able to dance again?!??" I'm seeing things a bit more clearly today, but wow - that was an AWFUL feeling!


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