# Divorce due to health problems



## Pamzilla13 (Sep 9, 2013)

Hey everyone,

I have looked through the archives topics related to divorce due to a spouses health problems. Well, I'm going through it and I am really sad. I am almost 49 and was diagnosed with Fibro when I was 34. I went to a doctor for treatment and changed my life to cope and survive by taking care of myself and setting limits. But of course, its like whack-a-mole, some other health problem crops up like hypothyroidism and depression. I am being treated and I am much better, but the emotional abuse has taken its toll on me. I admit I have not been meeting my husbands sexual needs as he wishes. I have made great efforts to improve and have improved this past year to show intimacy and have sex even when I'm tired and in pain. He supplemented his needs with porn and I looked the other way. I get it. But what warps my mind is since I was diagnosed with fibro, he has treated me differently and not in a good way.

He became controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, a heavy drinker, and has drank away $300-$400 our money monthly. He blames me because his needs were not being met the way he needed them to be. And I feel my emotional needs were not met all of these years. However, I don't act out. I have accepted what the relationship has become to maintain sanity and balance. I don't "lord it over his head" about not having my needs met. We have discussed this and fought about this over the years, but he is unable to empathize. He can not understand what has and is happening to me because he has not been chronically ill or had any health problems. He maintains the stance that sex is important and I maintain the stance that there needs to be basic respect in a relationship BEFORE sex in a relationship. He believes relationship is transactional. If he respects me for a day or is sober for one day, he feels he has earned the right to sex. I feel beaten down. I thought we were doing better with me making enormous efforts but now, the porn is not even enough. We have been to counseling and the counselor said to not bring him back because he doesn't participate...my husband says he went for me because "I needed it."

He recently stated to me he is considering a sexual relationship with a bartender at the place he frequents. He expects me to accept that. I gave him a couple of days to make a choice and to let me know what he is going to do so I can move on. He won't give me an answer and I guess he is waiting for me to leave so he doesn't have to give an answer and he can feel justified to having his relationship when I do leave. Meanwhile he keeps his bartender in his back pocket.... I feel scared and frustrated. He says because I am leaving the answer doesn't even matter. This shows me he never cared or loved me.

I am worried I won't be able to afford my doctor and scared of having the possibility that a doctor with deny my Armour because they don't believe in it. Currently, I don't work and don't know if I can work a full-time job and be stable....Its a scary situation to have your spouse throw away 20 years of marriage...over a woman he just met. I am doing all I can with support groups, therapy, lawyers, and finding a job. I haven't slept and I am exhausted and in pain. Since I have started the ball rolling he now says he never said he was going to have a relationship. His gas lighting is abusive. I just needed to share my situation. Perhaps someone else has been through similar? Thanks for reading it.


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## Lovlkn (Dec 20, 2009)

WOW! So sorry to hear your situation. It sounds like his alcoholism is as much or more an issue than your illness.

As far as your choices - you poor thing. This comment really stands out - "Since I have started the ball rolling he now says he never said he was going to have a relationship."

That's a tough situation - I guess it's time to pull out the paper and draw the line down the middle and make the Pro and Con list - are you better staying or better leaving?

I know there have been some divorces because of illness talked about on this forum.

((hugs))


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## GOLGO13 (Jun 13, 2018)

So sorry to hear you are going through this. Having a supportive spouse when having a chronic illness is so crucial.

It seems to me like the stress of being with someone like this would be more than not being with the person. But of course divorce is a very tough thing to go through.In my opinion stress is the worst thing for hashimotos and is what brings me the most trouble. Staying positive is very important even through these tough times. I believe from the sound of it he's checked out a pretty long time ago, and it's unlikely to save it.

A meditation and psychologist I really like is Tara Brach. You may find her a bit hokey as she's into Buddha, but I don't think that takes away at all from her messages. A lot of people she talks about have similar situations to yours. www.tarabrach.com. There are a ton of free things on there and on youtube for her stuff. I user her meditations to help me with my anxiety, but her talks help me with other aspects of life also.

Is it possible to get support from family while going through this? Having someone supportive would be helpful.

I wish you luck and don't be afraid to seek support during these times!!


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## Pamzilla13 (Sep 9, 2013)

Thank you so much Lovlkn and Golgo13 for your insight and replies. Yes, his "go to" strategy with me is gaslighting. The alcoholism plays a big role and he is denial and of course won't get help.

There are more cons than pros for me to stay in this situation. I stayed not only for security, but for my son and I really did give as much as I could. I was not well enough or "strong" enough at the time when I contemplated leaving 3years ago. I had lost who I was during that time.

I have been seeing psychologist regularly for 2 years to cope with my health issues, self-esteem, as well as the marriage.

I am keeping positive and strong, although I do have moments where I "waffle." Thats when I call a friend to get my head on straight.

I believe when I leave this abuse, I will improve.

Golgo13 I have listened to Tara Bach but it has been years. And yes, I did find her to be hokey....(you saying that made me laugh), but the message is important. I will revisit her stuff. Thank you for suggesting it. I need all of the support I can get.


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## creepingdeath (Apr 6, 2014)

I've never been married but everyone I know who was isn't anymore.

Seems to be an epidemic.

Whatever happened to "in sickness or in health"...&#8230;?

Alcoholism is a sickness too &#8230;. and it has nothing to do with you or your sickness....

You should see if you're eligible for disablity.

If you're married to someone for at least 10 years then divorced you are entitled to your spouses social security....

look into it.....

and take care of yourself


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