# One day runs into the next...



## oceanmist (Apr 30, 2007)

We were happy ...for almost 33 years...until he started to change a few years back. Slowly I could see us drifting apart. Sure we were like ships in the night with our shifts but in between we still had time for each other. We laughed and were happy. I could see we were changing and I didn't know what it was.

Graves disease came along changing a strong man into a weak one. A large man into a skinny man.....a middle aged mad into an aged one. I didn't know who he was at times and he scared me. His rage brought back my childhood and because of it I began to hate him....but like a child could forgive as quickly. His mood swings repeat themselves like the numbers on a clock everyday, each day at some point he would snap and again I forgave him.... because I loved the man locked inside this body. I can't see him but he must still be inside.........................

He worked harder to keep up to how he worked before the disease, and as time went by he became more exhausted spending less time on us. Fighting within himself to be the man he was and forgetting about us. He was losing himself and would sacrifice everything he had left to keep his dignity. I remember telling him its the disease but after its removed theres no excuse. He's stubborn, but even his Edo told him he would lose everything if he wasn't careful....and he wasn't....that is if I was ever his everything.
He is not the person I fell in love with. I don't know him anymore. I go through the motions because its expected of a good wife. To take off my rings is serious to me, and not taken lightly unless I feel hopeless or unloved. I refuse to live a lie. How could I be so selfish I think to myself.......But then I say how can I continue to allow myself to be mentally and verbally abused for all these years. In sickness and in health I've suffered ever day with him and this disease that snuck up on us, it didn't happen over night. I don't ask for much attention. But there is nothing to hang on to anymore, I'm alone like I was when I was a kid and it seems to be more painful now. Every Friday and Saturday night, and four out of five days of the week hes passed out when I get home from work and I spend my nights alone. My only human contact is work and there I find I'm doing the repetitive motions as well knowing there is nothing to come home too.

When I do see him, he's irritated and so am I. I have to rush to tell him all the news which is stress. And it becomes a vicious circle. My marriage was the most important thing to me along with my children, who are adults now. I've even warned them that I can't do this anymore. I thought we had our marriage in control, but I was wrong. Instead something evil came into our lives not another woman, and it cleverly without me knowing stole my husband five years back and I'm trying to accept that my life will never be the same...we both are lost.

Even tonight this form is eerie, it's usual buzzing with people coming and going and tonight I'm alone.....I needed to let out the pain.....even if its on deaf ears....no different than what I live with at home. Tomorrow will be another day... and I will forgive...............


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## webster2 (May 19, 2011)

I am so sorry. This could have been written by my husband up until less than a year ago. I am at a loss for words.....is there any different treatment or doctors you could try?


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

I agree with webster's question - are there any other doctors you could see? Different treatment options you could try? How about counseling for both of you, even if it's individual at first?

I can feel the desperation in your words, and I am sorry for your pain.


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

oceanmist said:


> We were happy ...for almost 33 years...until he started to change a few years back. Slowly I could see us drifting apart. Sure we were like ships in the night with our shifts but in between we still had time for each other. We laughed and were happy. I could see we were changing and I didn't know what it was.
> 
> Graves disease came along changing a strong man into a weak one. A large man into a skinny man.....a middle aged mad into an aged one. I didn't know who he was at times and he scared me. His rage brought back my childhood and because of it I began to hate him....but like a child could forgive as quickly. His mood swings repeat themselves like the numbers on a clock everyday, each day at some point he would snap and again I forgave him.... because I loved the man locked inside this body. I can't see him but he must still be inside.........................
> 
> ...


This is just too sad; it really is. I put my husband through hell (I was in hell) at times but thank God he stuck w/me.

And I did do counseling; I sure did!!!

Graves' is a very very horrible disease on all counts.

Graves', neuropsychiatric
http://www.ngdf.org/cms/modules/files/uploads/7699.PDF


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## I DClaire (Jul 31, 2011)

I have to confess that I don't know how my husband tolerates the way I've changed since first being diagnosed with thyroid disease. I am not kidding when I say I am NOT the person I used to be - nothing about me seems the same. I feel bad physically, mentally and emotionally. In all sincerity, I have lost faith that any dosage of thyroid hormone replacement can ever make me feel like myself again. I may in time have more energy or stamina but I feel like the person I used to be has died.

It's sad. I went to see my psychiatrist last Thursday and even she has pretty much given up on the idea that I'm depressed. I either have never been depressed or I'm light years beyond being depressed - what I feel is all about so little energy and feeling empty. I don't doubt that not having a thyroid gland slows down everything but I can't help believing for some people there is a deep, deep loss of _something _that cannot be regained. I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past two years.

I feel angry about the situation - my husband is not in good health and I feel ashamed that the person I've become causes him so much stress. I do not have the energy to enjoy ANYTHING and when I push myself, I feel unbearable exhaustion.

I used to walk/jog 2-4 miles a day - now I try to exercise and I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack. I used to get dressed and go somewhere every day, I volunteered in the ICU of a major hospital, was a docent in an art museum, volunteered with a hospital hospice program, was active in everything at my church, I ran an international website, I entertained my family for every holiday, I gardened bigtime, I kept my house and enjoyed cooking, etc., etc. - now I do practically nothing! By the time I get a shower and get dressed every morning I am pooped!

I've lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of weight. My hair has always been soft and silky - now it looks and feels like straw. My vision is goofy. I'm having tinnitis problems. You name it! As often as not I ache from my shoulders to my feet. My muscles are weak. My balance and coordination are compromised.

My heart goes out to anyone whose spouse is battling unresolved thyroid problems. If my husband had changed as much as I have and his personality had changed as much as mine has, I don't know if I could endure it.

I would give everything I own to feel well again and feel happy and have the interests I used to have and the enjoyment of being busy and productive.


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