# I have a story



## Wrongside of everything (Feb 2, 2014)

So here I am awake when I shouldn't be, and also alive when I most definitely shouldn't be. I'll get the simple stuff out first; I was 26 when I had my daughter. Perfect in every single way, I couldn't put her down I couldn't ever leave her. She saved me from a 5 year long pill opiate addiction brought on by a bad doctor. I needed her more than she needed me. Very shortly after she was born I was diagnosed with Graves Disease. I couldn't leave her and do this so called RAI treatment so I did the beta blockers. One day I went into see my doctor the (good one who saved me), I had never ever even heard this man say 'darn'. He looked me straight in the face and asked me "do you want to fucking die?" After the realization flowed over me and the shock of the both the words, I muttered no. So I did it. I locked myself away from my daughter and humans. Life started to get normal, then the hormones, I was still physically very strong but mentally it hurt. So back came the pills. I make this part quick, because the story I want to share is this very moment.

I had a great job I loved and hid my addiction well. I had a beautiful baby boy in 2012. Yes if you're curious I stopped the addiction for him too. It was really easy to do when it wasn't for me, but after he was born I started again because it was the only thing that kept my mind quiet. I did what I had to do, and I did it very well. Too well. Beginning of 2013, I didn't want to keep my mind quiet or show fake emotion. So I started drinking. Not much just enough to take away physical symptoms. Bored yet? Me to, let's move forward to today.

Today is Sunday, February 2nd 2014. Yesterday I checked out of a 5 day state run detox center (Because after 11 years I couldn't explain to my employer how I was sick, so no insurance). It wasn't because of the pills, I stopped those, it physically hurt and I was weak, but I had alcohol. I guess the original game plan was to drink through the physical pain and then stop. I was never really a heavy drinker never really cared for alcohol at all. On Monday January 27 while my husband was at work I drove myself and my two children to my mothers house, and I hid and drank. After the liquor was gone I grabbed a beer went out front of her home and dialed 911. "What's your emergency?" I told her I needed medical attention or I would die. Fire truck came, "ok cool she's alive". They left and a van came I got in I had know idea where I was going I had know clue how my mom or husband would be able to care for the children. They hadn't left my side or our safe place (home) in over 4 months. By now you're probably thinking I'm on the wrong forum, that's ok you don't have to read, I don't want a response. But after a long night of no sleep and a lot of research I realize I went to hell and got sent back. When they checked me in at the center my BAC was .29. I'm not a big person I'm 5'4 and weigh 110 pounds. The withdraw was torture they let me lay in a recliner for 9 hours and 12 minutes, and after dying a couple times and shaking so uncontrollably with not even a hint of a Tylenol, the nurse came to do her every 2 hour vitals. I don't know what the number was but I actually fell asleep. The problem was I woke up. Luckily sedated enough for my heart to work properly again.

I currently sit in my home with my two beautiful children and husband still asleep. There were many things that happened in 2013, and I shouldn't be here, my children could not have been here. Someone else or their child. I'm not going to get into any spiritual belief, and I don't want a prayer.

It just took a very long ugly road to realize I have been fighting the wrong disease. I can stay sober I never really wanted the pills I never really wanted to alcohol. I can't come to terms of not being in control. Today is the first time I sat down and read, and realized I'm not the only person who lost control. Whether it be cancer or thyroid. I should have stopped and listened a long time ago. Pride is hard to hold onto, but swallowing your dignity and asking for help won't hurt as bad as you think.

I'm still detoxing and trying to figure out if the shake is withdraw or thyroid because I thought I was stronger than a little butterfly shaped tissue in my neck. Tomorrow morning I will be at the physician's office, and this time I have to listen. Because for some reason I woke up Tuesday morning.

I don't want anything from whoever reads this. I just needed to type it. Maybe I'm the only one. Maybe I'm not. I would usually go over anything I write and edit and fix it, but if I read it... You never would have.


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## Swimmer (Sep 12, 2013)

I have a few thoughts for you. I'm not sure what part of the country you're in, but there is a place called the "P N P Center" and they have a device there that can help quiet the mind, as I understand it - using some sort of sound waves. You may have some sort of neurological condition that would be benefitted and help you not to feel the impulse to turn to dangerous/addictive things to quiet the mind. I want to encourage you to give them a call and look into it.

Next, I do want to encourage you, even though what you said, to go ahead and ask God for help. He really does listen and care - and He really does care about you. If you seek Him, you shall find Him. The fact that He is the Way the Truth and the Life - wow -- well life is hard no matter what you believe -- but when you come into a relationship with Him and forfeit yourself to Him, then He helps us in this hard life, shows us the way and even when it's hard, He gently helps us with truth. The difference in having a life with Jesus Christ - and without Jesus Christ -- is so huge. Christ has so changed my life - and the lives of my family - that the HOPE that I now have -- is part of my whole being -- "wells of living water" make it so that I don't thirst for any other... But God fills my need, is a Father, and is my All in All.

Sending a hug for you today --


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## Lovlkn (Dec 20, 2009)

> I couldn't leave her and do this so called RAI treatment so I did the beta blockers. One day I went into see my doctor the (good one who saved me), I had never ever even heard this man say 'darn'. He looked me straight in the face and asked me "do you want to fucking die?" After the realization flowed over me and the shock of the both the words, I muttered no. So I did it. I locked myself away from my daughter and humans. Life started to get normal, then the hormones, I was still physically Tvery strong but mentally it hurt.


Welcome - I hope you come back to see if anyone read your post.

You poor thing - the first thing I suggest is you have labs drawn to check your FT-4 and FT-3 to see what thyroid hormonally is happing in your body. You don't mention any replacement - post RAI your thyroid dies off and often , replacement medications are needed or another dose of RAI to further kill off your thyroid. You still sound hyper to me - with the thoughts that you cannot stop. Many people have mental symptoms, especially while hyper - I was one of them and had to speak to a therapist as everything and eevrybody bothered me while I was full blown graves and comming down into hypo on anti thyroid medications.. While it sounds like you have a tendancy toward addiction - thyroid levels being off will exacerbate the issue.

Are you seeing a doctor post RAI for any testing? If so , please post lab's with ranges.

You are not alone -


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

I am giving you something. 1000 big and very huge hugs!!! {Wrong side of everything!}

You may be interested to know that this probably all happened because you were not diagnosed and treated for Graves'. Many Graves' patients who have not received medical intervention do turn to alcohol and drugs for self-medication purposes.

Once you realize this and it sinks in; you are going to do much much better. Whatever you believe in; use it as your life-line! But, always do what you decide to do for you; not someone else. You are a precious soul and you count. Always remember that!

So, what thyroxine replacement are you on? Please post your most recent labs for thyroid. Include the ranges as different labs use different ranges.

You have come to a good place by joining this board.

I personally was in therapy for 2 years in the aftermath of Graves'; undiagnosed for 20 long years!

Welcome!


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## jenny v (May 6, 2012)

I, too, hope you are getting regular labs to make sure the Graves hasn't returned since RAI doesn't always work with just one treatment. Also, I hope you are seeking out ongoing treatment and support (maybe Al-Anon) to help you stay on the right path and get the support you need so you can take care of yourself and be there to take care of your beautiful children.

When I was hyper my mind and body were just on overdrive--I couldn't get a moments peace and while I never turned to alcohol, I did use Benadryl a lot for months on end just to get some sleep. Hyper can make you feel like you're going crazy, it's a hard road to be on. Please make sure your doctor is checking your thyroid levels (Free T3, Free T4 and TSH) so you can make sure nothing is going on there.


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## Danniswirl (Feb 23, 2013)

Yes this does seem like uncontrolled thyroid symptoms. Boy oh boy do I feel your pain. My Heavenly Father Jehovah keeps me going. Formerly user of alcohol to help me feel normal (not daily but in social situations), I am still battling this hashimotos mess that many doctors overlooked! I was diagnosed with depression, OCD, panic disorder and I'm sure it would have gone on and on if I didn't take control of my health. My children as well keeps me going. It is amazing what dessicated thyroid and adrenal support will do. I still continue the journey though. I wish you good health, strength and endurance.


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## Swimmer (Sep 12, 2013)

Wow, I just look at all this caring kind support and their amazing information about graves disease -- and I just see SO MUCH help and hope!!

Wrongside of Everything, you can do this!! You can do this!!! It looks like there's an immense amount of caring support for you -- so you know what to do -- go get those thyroid labs (these folks will help you know just which ones) and start getting things going for yourself on the road to wellness --

you can do it!

HUGS!


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## Wrongside of everything (Feb 2, 2014)

Well yesterday night, I got sent back again. I have a seizure for the first time in my life. I don't know what exactly happened, but I was found on the floor convulsing by my husband and young children. Alcohol? Meds they gave me at detox rapidity stopped or Graves? I don't know. By the time the paramedics came I was consciousness, and they were being very abrasive about the whole thing so I stayed in the safety of my husband, who has been watching me like clockwork. I currently take .125 mcg of levothyroxine, but I cannot get any of the results from anyone right now. I would give anything I had to see MY doctor, but financially I can't. So I keep forcing myself to take in nutrition and water and a daily vitamin. One rep for the hospital said that my T3 T4 were dangerous high so I skipped a day. Tomorrow I will attempt to gather physical strength to go to the clinic. But I admit I have never felt a body pain or ache like this EVER. Thank you for all knowledge you share


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## Prudence (Oct 30, 2012)

> One rep for the hospital said that my T3 T4 were dangerous high so I skipped a day.


If your T4 and T3 are dangerusly high, skipping a day won't make a difference. My guess is you are way too overmedicated-and it tkes 4-6 weeks or more when you go up or down on a T4 med to feel the diference. Hopefully you can get into someone soon. As for the seizure, I'm not entirely sure what would of caused it, they can happen because many of the things you described.


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

Persons with Hyperthyroid do in fact have myoclonic seizures; so do Lupus patients. It is not uncommon to have more than one thing going on.

You must feel exhausted from the seizure! Please try to rest today and the next; pamper yourself.

It is possible that your thyroid was not fully ablated from the RAI. I had to have RAI 3 times.

Many of us here also can appreciate where you are coming from on the financial front.

You have a wonderful husband; you really do! Bet those two children are awesome also! How old are they?


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## Wrongside of everything (Feb 2, 2014)

Well my doctor received the results from the hospital, and called me in for an after hours visit because I couldn't afford to see him. My thyroid is not producing any hormones on its own. When they nuked it, they did it right the first time, so at least no more RAI in my future. But my T3 T4 levels came up at 20.46!!! How crazy is that. It had a lot to do with me not taking care of myself during my drinking binge (all 4 months of it). So my doctor and I are going to work on getting me back into a normal range. He said along time ago that I was the most 'sensitive' thyroid patient he's ever had, and he reaffirmed that on Tuesday. I made sure I was honest and I told him EVERYTHING. I even took my husband so he could describe the seizure. The doctor had concerns about the seizure but he believes it was part of my body detoxing, and as long as I stay sober it shouldn't happen again. I haven't had a drink since January 27, and I feel a little more human each day. I can think sort of straight again. The doctor also gave me Nadalolol to help with my blood pressure when I need it because before Graves disease I always had low blood pressure normally, but not so much anymore. My greatest enemy right now is finding energy. It's difficult enough to get out of bed the last few days, but to get up and care hand and foot on a 5 and 1 year old is almost impossible. My 5 year old helps, but I don't want her to act or fulfill the duties of an adult because I lost my childhood to alcoholism and cared for my siblings starting at age 8. So in a sense I've already raised two kids. I know I said I didn't want responses, but I found many of them comforting, and I appreciate the time taken to read my story and am using the encouragement to remember I'm not alone. There are many people suffering in this world, and most of mine was self inflicted. On Saturday I will attend my first sobriety meeting (I found an organization called SOS), and I'm actually excited just to talk and hear others stories. I was trying to self fix through drugs and alcohol because they helped make my mind and body ignore symptoms that I wasn't ready to deal with. My doctor also told me he might take me on when my AHCCCS goes through (which was crazy to hear because he doesn't see AHCCCS patients, nor does he have any that he sees). So it makes me believe that after being under his care for the last 10 years he might actually care about my well being. Thank you for your replies they meant much more than you might ever know. I also apologize for the terrible grammar, I didn't have the heart to reread what I wrote without deleting the whole thing altogether. So thank you. And to those who are struggling; every day is hard, but I hold onto the fact that tomorrow might just be a little better then today.


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

This must be a very difficult time for you, but you are on a very, very good path. You are recovering from alcoholism. You have a doctor who cares. You have a husband who cares. And it sound like you have the will to get through this. Keep it up!!!!

:hugs:


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## Airmid (Apr 24, 2013)

Doctors surprise you at times, don't they? I once had a hard as nails internist who had a terrible bed side manner. I got to the point one time were I could barely stand and had just been in the hospital. My grandmother insisted on going to see him with me and during the examine my grandmother said she was very worried about me. The mask finally broke and I saw such pain in his face when he looked at me and said "I'm very worried about her too." I was stunned, couldn't believe this man I felt as uncaring (I kept him because he was damn fine doctor) was like that at all.

I am concerned as the others are about the seizure. It is true that detoxing patients who are heavy drinkers can be prone to seizures and DT during their detox which is why alcohol withdrawal is so dangerous. With your high thyroid hormones it's a hard call to say what caused what. As for the uncaring paramedics, I would have reminded them it's not their job to judge. I once couldn't get my heart to slow down out of the 150's and my BP was crashing. With no way to the hospital (it was 2 AM) I called an ambulance. They were really judgmental since I was only 29 at the time and thought my angina was caused by a panic attack. Until they hooked me up to their monitor at my request. Suddenly their attitude took a 180 and they were loading me up and giving me nitrate as they speed me to a hospital. I told them that I hoped they learned that age doesn't matter.

It's very good to see you have a support system in place which will greatly help with staying sober. If you feel like drinking tell your doctor and/or husband for help. There's no reason to ever carry this burden alone when you have people there to help you.

Many health problems that are ignored by doctors can drive patients to self fix. These can range from mental disorders to severe pain. It doesn't really matter what causes it, what matters is getting help and support for the underlying cause of the self fixing. I think somehow its just massive amounts of self preservation that I haven't become a drug addict or alcoholic by this time. Don't think that makes me stronger then you. It doesn't. I was driven to the point of being suicidal from untreated nerve pain on top of my endocrine disorders. My family figured it out and took me to the hospital before I did something and we managed to get the most uncaring doctor in the world. The reason I'm still here is my family. I hold onto them and that is something you need to hold onto. Your two children and your compassionate husband. When you feel urges hold on tight to them and don't let go.


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## Andros (Aug 26, 2009)

We have "listening ears" and are here for you!!! Life probably won't be a Rose Garden but it sure can be a whole lot better! I and others are on your team!

Many hugs to a "survivor!"


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## Swimmer (Sep 12, 2013)

Every day is a new day 

May your day be blessed, filled with rest, joy in looking at the faces of your family, and comfort knowing your husband is quite the stalwart in your storm.

That's really beautiful You have a good man there.

I look forward to six months from now when you look back and see that you have come to so much of a better place and one year from now when your recovery has made you feel so well and so much better.

Take care - so glad you're here


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