# Help & Advice: Should I have a baby?



## AutoimmuneGirl (Aug 29, 2016)

Hi, I'm new here and really just after some real honest advice and stories from people with similar health issues to myself who have either had a baby or tried to or even decided that it wasn't a good idea to try.

I am 26 and have hashimoto's. I also have pernicious anaemia, endometriosis, hemiplegic migraine, vulvodynia (meaning I don't know how we'd even attempt to conceive in the first place!) and a huge laundry list of other conditions.

Me and my husband of 2 years have realised that we do want children and I have been told despite my endo that my tubes look fine so physically ok. But what I want to know is can i cope? My thyroid levels according to my gp have been fine for the last 2 years (that's as much info as i get) but I still have days where I have to stay in bed if I've overdone things. I get dizzy easily. I feel weak and I know my sense of normal isn't like most without these conditions. So can I cope with not only being pregnant but being a mum? And is it even a good idea to potentially be passing my problems on to another generation?

We wouldn't be ready to try for another couple of years but it's something that is tearing me up inside and just hearing from some people who have been there would be of great help. Thank you so much in advance.


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## Octavia (Aug 1, 2011)

Seems to me you have two main issues to consider: the scientific side (can I get pregnant, and what are the odds I'll pass along any of my conditions to my child?) and the health/mental/physical side (am I able to be a mother to a child). I'll leave the scientific side to the doctors...but the health/mental/physical side I'll comment on. I've seen people accomplish some pretty amazing things despite their challenges, when it's something they really, really, really want to do. So is being a mother something you really, really, really want to be? Do you want this so badly that you can't imagine NOT being a mother?


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## AutoimmuneGirl (Aug 29, 2016)

Thank you for your reply- and you're a pug lover- I have an almost 3 year old pug called Bilbo! So that's as close to a mum as I've been- a pug mum! And that's had it's challenges but the responsibility of dog ownership has often spurred me on and made me get up and go at times when I didn't think I could.

And I'd like to think that the extreme challenges of having a baby and being a mum would be something I could manage because I would have to. The strange thing is that no I didn't ever want kids until about 2 years ago when things started changing mentally for me- I don't know if it was the fact that I had married the person I loved and wanted to see what the 2 of us would create together or something that kicks in hormonally but I get very emotional when I see families now and I so want it and find it very upsetting to think of it not happening. I never imagined I would be like that.

I'd still love to hear from more people on how they coped with pregnancy or the hard work of raising a baby whilst having health problems themselves.

Thanks!


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## BurntMarshmallow (Feb 26, 2016)

I'm a little worried that you may feel worse as a result of a pregnancy. It can take a big toll on the body, even for a healthy person. Some of your symptoms, fatigue, dizziness, and weakness are symptoms pregnancy can cause.

I want to tell you that it's all worth it. Having children really is an amazing thing. But if you don't feel well, it's hard to enjoy a baby. If you feel really bad, it's even harder.

I think there are things you can do to improve your chances of having a good pregnancy and of feeling well enough to take care of the baby afterwards. As long as you feel as you do now, I don't think a pregnancy would be a good idea. It might even be difficult to conceive and you may have an increased chance of miscarriage. I have experienced both. The two things seem to go hand in hand sometimes.

I have two boys who are now 13 and 17. Before I got pregnant I was relatively healthy. I ate well, worked out, and took vitamins occasionally. I had no health problems. Even so, pregnancy was really hard on me. I missed a lot of work due to nausea and exhaustion. I made two trips to the ER for fluids from dehydration from nausea and vomitting. I was exhausted. I could hardly take care of myself. I didn't know it was possible to be THAT tired. When my son was born, it was so hard. SO hard that I thought I'd ruined my life. I was scared for him too because I couldn't really take care of him, I was just so depleted. After my son, my health was never the same. I got sick often and took a long time to recover. A year later I developed allergies to everything. I started having headaches that wouldn't go away.

My second pregnancy and delivery was easier. And my postpartum time was easier too. The second time, I found out that having a baby can be amazing. It was like falling in love. I was the happiest I'd ever been. It was such a different feeling that I have to think it was the B6 my doctor gave me for the nausea during the pregnancy. That was really the only difference.

Now my kids are old. The parenting journey has been up and down. I can tell you for certain that I'm a better parent when I feel better physically. The headaches and fatigue I've had were definitely a factor for my kids. It's hard to hear from your son that he doesn't want to be around you because you never laugh or smile. There are photos from vacations we took that I don't even remember because of my thyroid issue. But there were plenty of amazing happy days too. Overall, my kids are very happy and I'm proud of the mom I have been to them. I can't imagine my life without them.

I think the important thing for you is getting as healthy as possible to reduce the toll a pregnancy will have on your body. You will have a happier baby if you're healthy before your pregnancy as well.

So if you plan to move forward, it's a good idea to start planning now. Work with a nutritionist who specializes in conceiving and pregnancy. A midwife often can do this as well. You might find you'll feel better on a conception diet, and maybe your current symptoms will improve. Wouldn't that be great?

I look back on the last 17 years of being a parent and my only regret is not making my own health a priority. I would have smiled and laughed more if I didn't have that awful headache every day. But it's really really hard to do that when you have kids. Now I'm basically cured. Sometimes I just feel sad because I suffered and I didn't have to suffer. Which is basically why I come on here. I want to save other people the years of feeling bad. So many people feel bad. And doctor's are just like "well you're blood work says everything is fine. Thanks and come back in six months."

Make feeling good your number one priority. Message me if you want more help or advice on your symptoms. I can get pretty wordy and boring with endless recommendations.

Best,
Amy


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## AutoimmuneGirl (Aug 29, 2016)

Thanks for your reply. I definitely always actively work to keep myself as healthy as can be (despite not being healthy!) I have a completely Gluten free diet as through my own research (as many hashimotos sufferers will have found), gluten mimics the thyroid cells and so your body creates more antibodies to attack your thyroid if you eat gluten. I definitely want to try and learn more and get as well as possible though if we get to the stage where we are definitely going to try to have a baby.

I know it will be really really difficult. I have a friend who's very healthy who had an awful pregnancy last year who was in hospital with dehydration like yourself and had an awful birth too so it can happen to anyone so if you're already unwell I'm guessing you're not gonna feel great! My mum so wants grandchildren that she has this theory that 'pregnancy might just agree with you' and 'having a baby might just give you the motivation you need' It's not motivation I need- it's a healthy body mother!!

I also don't want kids who resent me for not doing enough or not being happy or even passing onto them health issues. I have suffered with depression since my teens and I am aware that this could flare up massively with all the hormones and huge challenges of childbirth and I worry for myself but also a potential child. And my husband too. I don't want our relationship to be awful.

It's just a mine field! But I'm not here for councelling! You guys can't tell me what to do I really just want to know physically if people's thyroid problems meant pregnancy was impossible or awful or ok or what! and then what it was like after. I'd also really like to meet others with not only thyroid disease but some of the other health conditions I have- and have you been pregnant? and what was it like?


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## BurntMarshmallow (Feb 26, 2016)

It's great your mum is so supportive. Do you and she get along okay? I think it makes such a difference to have help when you are dealing with health problems while being pregnant or being a mom. Do you have a lot of family that lives nearby? The help of moms and dads, aunts and uncles that you trust can make having a baby and raising children so much easier.

I didn't have family any where close. My mother-in-law flew out to be with me when I was sick during both my pregnancies. My mom, sister and mother-in-law all flew to stay with me at different times after each of my sons were born. But those trips were all planned. There is no way to get their help if something happens randomly, like a bad illness or injury. Also, it's kind of a double edged sword having family from out of town to help you. They need a place to sleep, with clean sheets and towels.... Even though I knew they were coming to help, I still found myself pushing too hard after the birth trying to change sheets and pick up, so they wouldn't think I was a terrible house keeper. It would have been a lot better if they'd lived in my town, or even a few hours drive away instead of having to stay in my house.

I think the ideal situation is to have several supportive people who can come over for the day (or night) when something goes wrong and you are overwhelmed. A friend of mine had breast cancer when her babies were small. Her treatment was scheduled though, so her family and friends could plan to help her after chemo, when she knew she'd be wiped out. Her husband could take time off. Some health issues are just easier to plan around. Another option is to get help from a mother's helper on a regular basis, if you can afford it. Someone to prepare meals and clean, and to take the baby out for a stroll so you can nap. Or if you have the room, I know someone who had a young aupair live with them in their basement. Someone like that can help lighten the load a lot.

I think you are wanting to get a picture in your mind of what everything will be like, and its really hard to imagine it, isn't it? But I'm going to try to paint a picture. Then you can consider how your own specific health challenges will come into play.

The most physically intensive time with children is before they turn 3yrs old. During those years, they do not sleep well, and so you do not sleep well. A baby might wake you up for hours at a time during the night, crying from 2am until 4am. Some infants are great sleepers and wake up, eat, and go right back to sleep. Still, you'll be woken up every two hours at first. And usually you have to change a diaper every time. After about six weeks, an infant is usually able to sleep for 5 hours straight, but many do not do this until six months, or even longer. It just depends on the baby. Some babies still wake every hour at six months old. Then babies begin getting teeth, which disrupts their sleep and just when you thought you had a good sleeper, you're awake a few times a night again.

Sleep is still an issue even with a two year old. On average, a two year old has two cold viruses each month in the winter. It can mean they have a runny snotty nose constantly. Ear infections are common at this age. And this means they do not sleep well. And parents don't sleep well, and parents also get sick a lot too. All the moms (and dads) I know with small children are really tired during these years, and are getting sick all the time. Everyone is kind of irritable and slightly depressed. Parents get into fights sometimes about who has to handle various duties, especially at night, because both parents are just so tired. Outside help during this time is the most important. Sleep deprivation is a torture technique and has been used throughout time. The Japanese were known for this, and it's because it was so effective at making prisoners incapable of filtering before speaking. So imagine two parents who are exhausted and how they might talk to each other. Help from anyone who can take night time duty a few times is priceless. Lack of sleep puts a very big strain on your adrenal glands and your thyroid. Both of these things can then give you insomnia. It's not uncommon for new moms to have trouble sleeping even though the baby is sleeping.

Extra vitamins are really important during this time of sleep deprivation and stress. If you are breastfeeding too, then you're body is using up all your stores of nutrients to give to the baby. Vitamin A is something you can't take while pregnant and stores are sometimes dangerously depleted during pregnancy and breastfeeding. It's a great idea to start taking vitamin A now, in retinal palmitate form. If you get low in vitamin A it will impact thyroid function, and immune function.

Babies and toddlers also get carried a lot. Many moms have back pain, and even carpal tunnel from carrying babies in car seats, lifting stollers in and out, etc. It is a physically very demanding time. I had a lot of shoulder, back, arm and hand pain, as have all of my mom friends. During these years, a massage is the best gift a mom can get. Or someone to watch the baby so the mom can take a quiet bath alone, or a nap. During these first years, it might even be easier, physically, to work than stay home, depending on the job, and depending on the baby. All babies are different. Some are harder than others. I've had babysitters say no to me because my oldest was very hard to soothe. My second was happy and slept a lot. They are both happy kids now.

From the ages of 3 to about 6, kids are usually sleeping well and pretty regularly. They may still get a lot of illnesses, but it becomes less and less. Parents don't pick them up that much. They can climb into the stroller and strap themselves in when they get tired. This age is more challenging for your brain. Kids this age will make you think. Sometimes really hard. They have an attention span that lasts less than 15 minutes. It means you are planning something to keep them busy about every 15 minutes. Children require that you talk to them... A LOT. That's probably the biggest difference between a child and a pet like a dog. Children ask tons of questions. They need a lot of talking from you, it's how they learn language, and learn about the world. This starts when they are babies, but at the age of 3, it gets really intense. They will start to argue with you too. If your brain is not working well, you'll find yourself agreeing to lots of things you didn't want to agree to. I found the talking part to be the most draining on my brain. It's when kids ask "why, why why?" about everything and over and over. This is where parents develop the love-hate relationship with TV. We turn it on because we just can't talk anymore, and maybe little Maddy will learn her ABC's. But then we feel guilty. Oh no, is the TV rotting my child's brain? Don't worry because she will only be interested for about 15 minutes anyway. Preschool helps fill up about 3 hours of the day, if you can afford it. Kids this age may still take a nap so you can get a little break in the afternoon, but some give up naps as early as 3. Kids this age go to be pretty early, so you get your evenings to remember why you fell in love with your husband. But daytimes are spent being a cruise director, doing one activity after the other. I spent a lot of time at the park because children ask fewer questions when they are running, and it makes them tired so maybe they will take that nap. 

Things get super chill and easy after about age 6. Kids can feed themselves. Kids don't usually ever expect to be carried. They get in the car and put their own seatbelt on, and even take baths or showers on their own. They start wanting to talk and play with their friends more than with you. So you can invite a friend over and then just watch them play. You become Judge-Judy though, needing to intervene when they inevitably fight with their siblings or friends. They can talk really well so they can tell you exactly what is wrong, instead of just crying and you having to try ten different things to see what helps. You get to watch cool movies with them like "The Secret Life of Pets", and you both laugh at the same parts. The best part is that they are not teenagers yet, so you don't really need to worry as much about grades or whether they are experimenting with sex or drugs. Until about 12 or 13, these are just the golden years. The years your kids will bring you breakfast in bed when you feel bad. They will draw you a picture of a flower to cheer you up. Kids are also cheaper during these years. I'm not sure if that sounds weird to say. They go to school from 9-3pm, and you don't have to pay. You might need to pay for after-school-care if you work, but it's much less than the full day childcare of the baby and toddler years. Kids at this age can start to do chores, like empty the dishwasher, and put away their cups and plates.

At around 12 or 13, school gets serious, and kids stay up later. You no longer have the alone time with your husband in the evenings after 8pm. Also, homework becomes more important. Grades become more important. Kids start noticing the opposite sex, and they spend more time out in the world, unsupervised. At this age, kids can take care of themselves but if left to their own, many will live off chips, soda and skittles. I really didn't expect parenting to be as time consuming at this age, but the homework gets hard for them, and kids might need help learning how to study. They also have evening activities sometimes that get pretty intense. Some soccer teams have practice four nights a week, which is really too much when they have school too. And kids want to see their friends. During these years, I've spent a lot more time in the car than I expected, driving them here and there, and getting supplies for some school project at the last minute. It's easy to forget to eat or drink, or to just eat the free cookies at Back-To-School night and call that dinner because by the time you get home it's 9pm. Also, at this age, kids are big, and capable of doing a lot, but still just kids. And so they break things. Big things. Fences, doors, cabinets, computers, microwaves, iPads. Carpets get destroyed. Fifteen year olds still want to jump off couches like when they were five. But this age is great because they change so fast. Every time you look at them, they've grown an inch, or they have hair somewhere new. lol. This age you can talk to them about real stuff. They can really understand adult problems, and they soak up your life lessons like a sponge. And you start to see the adult they will become.

I've written a book somehow, but I hope this gives you a little of what you were looking for. 

Amy


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## AutoimmuneGirl (Aug 29, 2016)

Thank you for sharing with me your experiences of being a mother. It may have been a long read but I'm sure that is hugely scaled down compared to everything you could have written!

I really appreciate your insight and it is very helpful. I think there are a few differences where costs and things are concerned as I am in the uk but otherwise I feel I can learn a lot from your story.

I do have a lot of family who live locally and yes my mum is supportive but it kind of feels like for her it is almost more important to have grandchildren than to have a healthy me! Only me and my husband person really know the turmoil I am going through inside over this decision. When people ask- are you gonna have kids? It's so hard to answer- I just find it upsetting! No one wants to hear a complicated response!

Anyways I really appreciate all your help. I'd still like to know more about how people with Hashimotos or other thyroid problems and/or any other autoimmune issues have found pregnancy though if anyone can pitch in but I do feel more informed


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