# Marriage hanging by a thread. Very tired.



## ExhaustedGroom

I'll start off by saying that I'm writing this story to vent. Maybe someone can relate. I apologize in advance, as this will be long.

I've been married now for 3.5 years and I have to say it's been the hardest years of my life by far. I come from a family that strongly believes in "for better, or for worse", and I can honestly say at this point, it is only my principles and faith that have kept me in this marriage until now.

About 2 months ago, my wife was diagnosed with Graves Disease, and wow, everything made a whole lot more sense. About 4 years ago, 6 months before our wedding, my wife TOTALLY changed. She became forgetful, completely self centered, short tempered, high stress, completely uninterested in me sexually, etc. As I remember it, I woke up one day and this was my fiancee. We were engaged for 2 years before our wedding, so there was a lot of time in there. I now think the stress of the wedding either brought on or accelerated her Graves.

We started going to premarital counseling during the months before our wedding, but after 5 visits, we couldn't even get through the first day of planned material, which I couldn't understand since these were things we had talked about peacefully over the years prior. The therapist even started questioning why we were getting married. At the time, I assumed what was happening was the typical bridezilla stuff that you hear about and I just needed to weather the storm. My wife has her own issues and maybe these were just coming out with the wedding stress.

Keep in mind, we'd been together for 5 years when we got married, so I felt like I knew her, and knew that this was just the stress talking.

So, we got married in spite of all that, and our honeymoon WAS HELL. I got sick probably from the exhaustion of dealing with her during the wedding, and she was completely non-supportive of me. All she could talk about was how we were in this beautiful place, but we couldn't really do anything, because I was sick. It was the opposite of the vows we just gave. The honeymoon was completely self centered about traveling to her, and to me, it was first about being with her, and second about the destination.

We came home from our honeymoon, and that's when I realized that things were really bad. My wife would cry incessantly in the morning, and within the first week of us being home from our honeymoon, she started openly saying that maybe she made a mistake marrying me, and that she just felt really unhappy. When I asked her about even the long personal vows that she wrote for me, she said, "I thought I meant that then, but I don't now." When I asked her why, she just said that "something feels wrong."

To me, aside from my wife saying things like that, and her personality changing, life was normal and good. It was same as it was for the last 5 years that we had been happily together before we got married. It didn't add up.

Well, flash forward 3.5 YEARS. My wife has never been able to even have the most basic important discussions about our lives even still. She still even last night brought up divorce, just like she did 3.5 years ago when we got home from our honeymoon. She's probably done this 100 times since we got married. She blames all her unhappiness and problems on me. We had to completely separate our money because she drained all our savings. She refuses to go to counseling, and so I go by myself. My counselor has told me that her emotional age appears to be a young teenager, like a 13 year old. He also spent a long time making sure he understood why I was even trying to work things out with her. He can see my life is hell. She and I can't talk about anything adult anymore. All this coming from someone who is college educated and who I used to enjoy lengthy conversations about politics, or classic books.

She's very verbally abusive to me, and sometimes when I think about it I realize how crazy it is. I feed her, pay for most everything she has, clean up the house, and pay for a maid to clean, work 2 jobs to make more money, I try to be doting and supportive, take her on nice vacations, listen to her, buy her the things she wants, take her out to nice dinners, hang out with her family whenever she wants, give her almost daily massages at bed time. She gets upset with me for little things like I didn't pick up the dry cleaning that I dropped off till 2 days after it was ready even though she never mentioned that she needed it. She literally will tell me I'm worthless over something like that. This all coming from someone who has no responsibilities to me any more because she says she is too stressed to do anything for me, or she just didn't come through too many times, and was completely unconcerned about her lack of follow through, so I had to take it over.

As I mentioned, 2 months ago, she was diagnosed with graves in a fluke doctor check-up by an irregular heartbeat and high pulse rate. As I started to read about the disease, I felt vindicated, because I understood that what's happened in our marriage is partially explainable. I want to be clear that I don't think Graves is completely the cause, but I really have no way of knowing how much is Graves talking. I've also read that Graves can bring out any mental or emotional problems that you have had in the past, and i think that's at play here. It was funny timing, because after 3 years I was beyond being angry with her, and just starting to plan the divorce. There was literally in my mind, no choice. At the same time, I feel like I'm going crazy because I can even explain concrete ways that she's totally different person than she was. It's as if her mind is deteriorating. This last week she had RAI treatment, and of course nothing has been better yet. It's actually been worse. I know it takes time.

I explain to my friends that I've felt completely alone the last 3 years. I feel more alone with her than when I'm alone. My wife is not someone who cares about me at all any more as far as I can tell. She doesn't care about even the slightest thing about me. Knowing that is partially caused by Graves is giving me some peace, but it doesn't make it any easier. She's not the kind of person who found out she had Graves and then apologized for how she blamed and treated me. She's still a 13 year old. When we got her diagnosis, she never read anything about Graves. Like everything else, she asked me to do it for her. She has almost no interest in understanding her own condition even as she talks about divorce, which is strange to me because I wouldn't be around any more, and then she would need to handle it. She's simultaneously relying on me for everything, and telling me that she wants to leave me. I often feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown, because now that I know she's sick, I feel the need to take care of her as my wife, no matter what she says to me or does. I also feel powerless to protect myself.

I'll end with a small story from last night... Last night I had to work late. It happens right? Around 7pm I called her to say I was going to be at work late. She immediately lashed out saying that I was putting my work before my wife. I found this almost funny because I probably haven't worked late even one time this year before this. I get paid a lot of money and occasionally, I think working late is normal and I told her this. She just said I didn't care about her, and that there was food sitting out for me. Keep in mind, this in itself was unusual, so I was happy. She had food for me? That's nice. Well, when I said, "I'm sorry and I wish I could come home, but I can't", she hung up on me. That's a perfectly normal thing for her to do. No surprise there. Well, being that she had food for me, I rushed through my work, and by 9:30 pm I was home. I was hungry too. I came in, greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and asked about the food. That's when she said in an antagonistic tone, "Oh, I ate your dinner because you said you wouldn't be home till late."

"I ate your dinner because you said you wouldn't be home till late." So here I was, rushing home because I was so excited to receive a small piece of kindness from my wife, and there was nothing there for me. No sympathy that I was working till 9:30pm. No appreciation for me at all. When these things happen, I can in the back of my mind imagine that in a good marriage, the wife would say, "There's some food in the fridge for you when you get home since I know you're tired and had a long day." The woman I asked to marry me did things like that and much more. In fact, I think she would have offered to deliver food to me at work while I was working late. Now, no support is just a normal day for me, but I still foolishly look at my wife every day, with hope in my eye, like she's going to be the person that I asked to marry me again.

Hoping for the best as the RAI takes its course, but at this point I'm not sure it will make a difference for our marriage. I know she still has a long road ahead, but I'm getting burned out.

tl;dr: Wife got graves around the time we got married, but we didn't know it for years. Marriage has been hell for 3.5 years. She just got RAI. No change yet. Hoping for the best. It might be over anyways.


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## Andros

You sound like you have had it and to be honest w/you; I think there is more to this than just Graves'.

Since she won't see the therapist, any kind of psychiatric diagnosis would not be possible but I'll bet your own therapist can make a very very professional guess based on what you describe.

And, quite frankly exiting this marriage might be the prudent thing to do. If she is that out of control, I would be fearful. She is making the decision to NOT avail herself of professional help. Therefore, you certainly have no moral obligation to be the victim of constant abuse.

Yes all your readers out there. Husbands are abused also!!

It's very sad but some matters of the heart just simply cannot be repaired because the hurt is so deep.

I am sorry for all this and I want you to know that we are all here for you. This is a good place to get varying opinions and you will get them. There is no right or wrong answer here. With the help of your own therapist, you will ultimately do what you think is the right thing for you to do. Bottom line.

And whatever that decision is, we will support you.

Welcome and God bless!


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## ExhaustedGroom

Thanks for the reply. I'm definitely not suggesting graves caused all this, but what I am suggesting is that graves is exaggerating and confusing everything making everything relationally much more challenging. For example, there are times that we get along well and then others I can tell from the look on he face that she's in a mood to try to do any damage she can. Very much a graves rage kind of thing. Anyways I plan to stick it out through her recovery from graves and see what happens, but I'm not very hopeful right now.

Once again thanks for your time in reading my post and responding.


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## Andros

ExhaustedGroom said:


> Thanks for the reply. I'm definitely not suggesting graves caused all this, but what I am suggesting is that graves is exaggerating and confusing everything making everything relationally much more challenging. For example, there are times that we get along well and then others I can tell from the look on he face that she's in a mood to try to do any damage she can. Very much a graves rage kind of thing. Anyways I plan to stick it out through her recovery from graves and see what happens, but I'm not very hopeful right now.
> 
> Once again thanks for your time in reading my post and responding.


You are welcome and we do have some lovely folks posting here so do hang around!


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## webster2

Welcome Exhausted Groom, 
your post really hit home for me. That could have been written by my husband over the last 2 years. I was a wreck, and didn't know why. I really was completely unbalanced. I am so surprised that I have a marriage and job. The mood swings and rages I had were unbelievable.

I was diagnosed with Graves in June, had the thyroid out in July, and life has been much much better. I do live in fear of the rages returning. We have a plan in place if they do.

I hope things work out for you & your wife. On a side note, the husband and I just returned from a week long trip to celebrate 34 years of marriage. I will kepp you in my prayers.


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## Butterfly2004

I can understand the rages - been there done that. I too am surprised looking back at the tolerance and patience people executed around me. But along the way - the saying what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I believe this to be true. I also believe that under stress - our true character boils up. Having said that - my heart goes out to you. It is scary when bad things happen - but although we know it - that doesn't mean we shouldn't go the extra mile to honestly understand why we (those of us that are sick) feel and act the way we do. Our natural character is amplified - is what I believe. I joined Karate and found it to be an excellent method to help me dicipline and focus myself - even in the hardest moments - alone. I remember punching the west loc across the floor - and with each punch and kick I worked out what I was really feeling stressed about. My husband at that time (2 years into the relationship) said I was a completely different person when I came home. -- meaning a better person. It's a nasty challenge to have but with creativity and determination - starting with self - we can get to a better place. One that respects the ones we love and tames our inner self.


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## Butterfly2004

Dear Exhausted Groom -

Your wife needs to resolve herself - her body her responsibility. You yourself - here's a thought- a good friend of mine told me once - RESPECT yourself! You certainly seem to be doing your best - so take heart - draw some personal lines and stick with them. If the RAI works (It did for me - in less than 10 days) - excellent - but habits get formed under the strangest conditions - illness is an easy one. so don't settle - put the other foot down -since tolerance seems the one you've been using - try intolerance and see how that one works out. If nothing else - this is not desertion, but rather intolerance for bad behavior. In my mind - that is appropriate regardless of the "root cause". Let your wife intelligently decide - rather allowing her to ignore her condition. She needs to deal with it - this is not yours to solve - only to encourage to a degree (only you can decide where that degree runs out)

Prayers for you. 
Take care.


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## Butterfly2004

BTW - My husband and I are now 14 years happier.


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## ctob

Over the past year people would accuse me of hurting their feelings or being gruff and I would look at them and wonder what on earth they were talking about and not even being aware of affecting people as I had. I work as a self-employed person relying on good client relationships to make money and it is extremely important I don't do things that will put people off so I would always try and make people happy but it didn't always come across as such evidently. I would also feel quite overwhelmed and scattered brained and once home I would want to do nothing but shut myself out from everyone and isolate myself. This was before I had a serious thyroid storm that put me in the hospital when I didn't know I had Graves.

I suppose if this happened to you, and you were treating your wife awful but you couldn't even notice what you were doing wrong or keep yourself from stopping what would you want your wife to do about it? Would you want her to hang in there and be supportive during your illness and recovery period or jump ship and let you handle it by yourself and try to remember whether you took the medicine or not? It doesn't sound like you have had a complete breakdown in the marriage considering she is still agreeable to do things with you and is well enough to do so.

If there are no children involved, I would definitely hold off on bringing them into the mix but to allow her to recover and see if she is more agreeable to get some counseling. My doctor told me that I would be looking at a six month recovery period just taking medicine for the thyroid. There are more things going on besides the thyroid. She may not be sleeping well and feeling inadequate. Many times people do nothing because it is hard to fail at nothing. We are all pretty successful at doing nothing.

When you are feeling overwhelmed particularly just getting diagnosed and having to go through treatment you want and need supportive people around you even if you say I want to be alone, leave me alone. Just knowing you are there can help her recovery.

I would ask her what she thinks she is capable of doing and get out of her way when she wants to do it and when she doesn't help her. One thing I find that one person gets used to doing everything then the other person backs off because they feel in the way. She also sounds like she put forth effort and you were not there to appreciate it so she retaliated. I think a lot of that is immaturity and not necessarily the disease. I would look at her upbringing and see if she was expected to do chores, earn her way, help the family, be involved or if she was given everything she has.

I commend you on your willingness to get help but I feel people with Grave's especially when they have symptoms like insomnia, muscle weakness or fatigue, fogginess and forgetfulness, and worse vomiting and diarrhea or other manifestations then we need support.

I would not give up yet and one thing that helps me is to take anxiety medicine whenever necessary but I am sure other alternatives are effective such as deep breathing, yoga, herbal remedies for anxiety, whatever works but there are techniques and medicine that can help. I am now also a firm believer in we are what we eat and pay close attention to my diet now so just my opinion if she fills herself with unhealthy food or drink then it might inhibit full recovery.

It may turn into a roller coaster ride for you and she could have symptoms that bring about this bad behavior but I do believe a lot of has to do with our upbringing and the kind of dynamics she has developed with you. It is almost like she has reverted to being the child and being taken care of like a child and if you want her to grow up and take more responsibility or do nice things on her own for you then she rebels.

I would not push her during this recovery period other than asking her what she feels she is capable of doing and allow her to be herself and when she seems more agreeable to discuss how things are. I think the major problem with myself is the fact that any little thing can make me feel overwhelmed yet as long as I don't get hit with nastiness I am cheerful and can be productive. I read that many marriages do not survive Grave's and I can understand why. It doesn't get the attention it deserves and when our hormones are out of whack watch out. The old saying how teenagers rebel because of their raging hormones and then they grow out of it thank goodness is kind of that way I think.

It is not an excuse and we must learn to be productive., considerate, loving, and reasonable people of society and most of us probably are once we are aware and don't feel so overwhelmed.

I think that there is hope because Grave's can be treated and most patients have some level of success if they lead a healthy lifestyle. These are just my opinions but soon she will need treatment for hormone replacement and I hear stories about that too so she needs you right now and you leaving could hurt her recovery. Not to put any guilt trips but you married her for a reason and now she is her worst and she may not have reached her best yet. She may surprise you. Give her some time before you make drastic decisions that will affect the rest of your life. She may have had this disease for longer than you know and she might be able to get back to that place where she is the woman you married.

I think one day if the doctor feels she is doing well and she is feeling that way too and she does not want to grow with you then you have to seriously think about how the two of you fit into this marriage moving forward but right now she needs you. I would definitely attempt to make some rules about behavior and what you think is acceptable or not and she what she thinks too and try to have a few rules you both agree on and adhere to. Too much after that might feel too difficult to succeed and baby steps. This didn't just happen. I would also recommend a pastor or other type religious type leader of your religion who works in that capacity to counsel you, someone who isn't so quick to throw in the towel and find one activity that you can both enjoy together that helps others. She will learn to feel what giving gratification is like rather than self gratification.

Remember, it took a long time to get to this point and it will take time to get out of it but the fact that she has a bona fide medical condition that causes mental problems means that things can improve. I would not overwhelm her right now and just try to relax about it and make humor of things so you can both laugh about each other's inadequacies. Do not allow abusive behavior at all and figure in advance what can be done and how you can relate it so she can accept any confrontation at the time. She has had her mind affected for a long time and a lot of learned behavior and enabling perhaps and maybe her upbringing but I don't feel all is lost yet because you have cared so much and she is getting help for herself too. She is not ignoring this.

Good luck and I hope your marriage turns around and you will some day find enough happiness in it to not want to get out of it. For anyone who tells you to get out of it, I completely understand that too because we want to be happy and we have our breaking point. I just don't feel like all is over yet since she is getting help and you have cared so much. My intuition usually doesn't let me down if I listen to it. You have to reach deep and listen to yourself.


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## gravesinchandler

Your wife is lucky to have you as a husband. I am very blessed to have my husband. He has put up with alot, especially during the time before I was diagnosed with Graves.

Reading your email I was overcome with emotion as I remembered what I put my husband, the person I love most in the world, through.

I was diagosed just over two years ago, August 2009; it started with an abnormal TSH reading on my annual physical lab work. When the doctor's nurse told me I had thryoid issues, she said that they had noted it and called me about it on my last physical (which had been a year and nine months). I told her they did NOT notify me; I am not the type of person to ignore medical issues. Regardless, what it meant is that I had the condition for nearly two years without knowing it.

I scoured the internet and read everyhting I could about it. It all made sense; I had every symptom. I did not think I had the mental issues too bad. However, as I started medication (I opted for medication; did not want to do 
RAI), I started to feel better. Although I knew I felt bad, I did not know how bad I truly felt until I started feeling better. The better I felt , the more I realized that I did have alot of the mental stuff going on. Nobody likes to admit they have mental issues.

For me, it was lack of patience, short fuse, anger, anxiety. I think the hardest thing on my marriage was the mind racing and building up imaginary scenarios. I was able to keep things under control towards co-workers, people in the store, my son etc. But it would all bust out toward my husband. he bore the brunt of all my feelings towards everyone else. My husband would do something or I would notice something, and I would literally make a mountain out of a molehill. I also remember feeling particularly vicious, mean, destructive. I was aware what I was doing at the time but I was powerless to stop. I have read some of the responses to your post regarding being responsible for their own behaviour in spite of the condition but.....I could not help myself. I remember thinking, why am I saying this, I have a wonderful husband that loves me, I am being a total *****, if I were him I would not want to be married to me.

Another issue was the feeling of exhaustion. I was not just tired, I felt exhausted. It took monumuental effort just to do basic things. Then when I did make the effort to do something, I would get distracted or side-tracked, and still did not get anything done. Alot of things fell by the wayside.

The problem with Graves is that everything is amped up; you heart rate, your digestion, your mind and thoughts. I would be exhausted at night, but I was not sleepy. I did not head to bed until I felt sleepy, which was sometimes as late as 11 or 12 pm(I get up at 5am!). Then when I did sleep, I would wake up and not be able to fall back asleep for an hour. This sleep deprivation cycle exagerated all the emotions I mentioned earlier.

I consulted an endocrinologist that recommended RAI. I also consulted a naturopath, who wanted to get down to the cause of the Graves. I ended up chosing medication while persuing the root cause with the naturopath. I started on Mehtimazole and heart medication. The naturopaths opinion was that I had Graves disease due to pesticide exposure (cream and oral medication used to fight off a year-long infestation of scabies) and the fact tha I was deficient in Vitamin D (19). The naturopath started me on supplements to help cleanse, as well as high doses of D, with continued blood monitoring. I decided to join Weigh Watchers and use the Graves to my benefit to lose weight. I also read up on what I could do for myself. I started taking an iodine-free multi vitamin, B, calcium and krill ( good for the brain). About six months ago I started working out again, for stress relief, weight loss and build back the muscle and streght I had lost due to Graves. Overtime, my blood work resulted in the endo lowering my medication. It's been two years now and I am in remission and off medication.

Even though I am in remission, I feel I am still recovering from the ordeal of having Graves. I have had to deal with all the guilt I felt for the emotions and feelings I had, for all the things I didn't do because of lack of energy (including sex). I only had it two years with knowing, your wife has had it longer. I have read lot of things that said if you do RAI, things can really fluctuate as your own thryoid dies out and you then have to start supplementing thyroid hormone. It sounded really tricky to me. Even with methimazole, my thyroid hormone levels fluctuated between overactive to normal to underactive to normal, etc. and I could see and feel the changes in myself.

I have heard it said that thyroid treatment is not a science but an art. I hope your wife has a good endo. If not, find another one. If your wife is willing, it might help for you to go with her on appointments.

After reading your post, I went to my husband in tears and apologized for everything I put him through. Your assesment that you feel like your wife is not the same person is very accurate. I did not feel like the same person (I frequently felt like I was having an identity crisis). But, thank God, I also do no feel like the same person today that I was three years ago. I feel like I am back to me.

Bless you for sticking it out this far. There is no doubt that Graves is hard on marriages. It can make you and the people closest to you feel like you are going crazy. Every day I thank God for the medication that made me feel better and for my husband. It is my hope and prayer that your wife starts to feel better and that, as she starts to feel better, she can take a more active role in her recovery.


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## webster2

Thank you for your post. It is inspiring. I am glad you have your life back, and your marriage survived. Graves is not for sissies, nor is it a good time for all.


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## ctob

"When the doctor's nurse told me I had thryoid issues, she said that they had noted it and called me about it on my last physical (which had been a year and nine months). I told her they did NOT notify me; I am not the type of person to ignore medical issues. Regardless, what it meant is that I had the condition for nearly two years without knowing it."

Gravesinchandler one discovery I just made with my primary care physician's office is the fact that they put everything online. They will always say they will call you but I have found that I either have to go online or call them. Regardless if she said she called you, she should have kept trying and sent you a letter as well. That is no excuse. I was wondering why no one called me when they said they would and now I have learned I can just log into their site. Your doctor may have an online area of your records as well for all of your lab tests. I think they can be explained on this forum well enough maybe even better than the doctors or nurses will. We as patients have to take control sometimes and not always leave it in their hands because they will overlook a lot of things. Hopefully they have online records you can access anytime.


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## I DClaire

I started crying while reading this thread. I've been married over 45 years to a man who, in spite of a lifetime of heart disease, never complains about anything. He may have lost his temper twice in all that time but never with me. How he absorbs so much of my craziness I'll never know.

I wasn't diagnosed with Graves, I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. I'm probably the only hyperthyroid patient who believes Methimazole/Tapazole made my symptoms worse but the #1 reason I told my endocrinologist I wanted my thyroid removed was so I could get off the drug. The last lab tests I had before surgery (prior to pre-admitting tests) showed my thyroid numbers were normal, I was biochemically euthyroid, but I felt like a raving lunatic!

When I asked my endocrinologist how my numbers could be so good while I had never felt so bad in my life, she said just because my numbers were normal didn't mean my thyroid was functioning normally and that some people are hyper sensitive to any thyroid imbalances.

I was already seeing a psychiatrist because I honestly thought I was going crazy...and guess who caught the brunt of my hostility, irritability, total discontent with the world, etc.? My husband.

At one point, approximately 4 months ago, I told him I thought we should separate (and maybe divorce). I couldn't bear the reality of knowing how my bizarre behavior had to be hurting him _but I couldn't control it. _At that time, anything and everything would set me off...I couldn't help thinking I was developing Alzheimers. When I look back now, just 5 weeks after surgery, it's hard to realize how bad things were - and how normal things seem now.

I don't remember ever doing anything deliberately mean-spirited toward my husband during that time but the way I viewed everything was totally distorted. I have no idea how things will play out for ExhaustedGroom's troubled marriage but I know all too well that thyroid disease can wreck havoc with a person's mental health.


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## ExhaustedGroom

Hey Everybody,

First off, thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I can't believe how similar some of you describe your experience to what I experienced. She too would tell me that she knows I'm being very kind to her, but that she flat out doesn't care. She doesn't seem to be able to control herself at all when she has the rage turned on. Other people around us don't even believe me sometimes because she seems to be able to put on a polite face when they are around.

I thought this would be a good time to post an update on my wife's health, and my situation. I held on after my wife got RAI, and she SLOWLY got better with lots of ups and downs. By summer of this year, a full 9 months after RAI her numbers stabilized and so did our life immediately. I've been very emotional about this whole thing because I looked in my wife's eyes in June and I saw the person I married for the first time in many years. My brain literally couldn't understand that she was back, but she was. Over the course of the last few months we've been able to process most of what happened and talk openly about it. A lot of the scars have healed and we really fell in love again.

We went on vacation this summer together and it was like we got to have a second honeymoon.

We're expecting now. Things are much much better. Here's the one bummer that I'm having right now... Everything was great. We literally went from a yelling match daily to a slight disagreement that was easily resolved once every couple of months, but then she got pregnant. Of course most of you are probably aware that when you're pregnant, they like your thyroid levels to be on the high side. This meant increasing her dosage. She's very easily affected by her thyroid levels. There's a point they hit, barely above normal and she flips into this rage person. That has now happened. She has an appointment at the Endo next week, so I'm sure once those tests come back they'll realize the dosage is too high, but man a lot of regression damage can happen in the time till they get her numbers down. By the time they lower her dosage and get her numbers down it will be a month from now.

The good news for me, is I believe now that she will recover once her numbers stabilize again after the pregnancy, but man it's hard to plan for a baby when you can't communicate, can't have rational conversations for weeks at a time.

One of my friend's husband had graves and she said, "Yes. It's a process to heal from graves." At the time I didn't understand that, but that's what it is. You have to learn and heal over time. For example, I had to learn that my wife won't remember to take her pills once she gets into a bad state, and to compound matters, the stress of managing the pills will give her anxiety, so I got her a pill case with the days of the week on it and that made a huge difference. You learn how to deal with it over time together and it slowly gets better until it's not that big a deal any more. I'm somewhere on that continuum. Neither the beginning or the end.

It gets better. I see that now. You just need patience. Literally years in my case. Thanks again for all the support.


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## Octavia

Wow...thank you so much for posting the update. It is wonderful to hear that your hope of returning to normal and getting your wife back came true!

I think in her case, you two should not wait to get her levels tested...you already know they're high. Can you call that endo's office and get the lab tests moved up? No sense suffering any longer than necessary.

I think some "negotiating" needs to take place with this endo to find a better balance between a good level for your wife, and a good level for a healthy baby. Not having had any children, I've not done any research on thyroid levels and pregnancy, but I can't imagine that keeping your wife's thyroid levels in a range that's good for her would be harmful to the baby, even if those levels are slightly lower than preferred. And of course, you want her to enjoy the pregnancy and be excited about becoming a mother...

Best wishes...and do keep us posted. So many people can relate to what you've shared.


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## Andros

ExhaustedGroom said:


> Hey Everybody,
> 
> First off, thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I can't believe how similar some of you describe your experience to what I experienced. She too would tell me that she knows I'm being very kind to her, but that she flat out doesn't care. She doesn't seem to be able to control herself at all when she has the rage turned on. Other people around us don't even believe me sometimes because she seems to be able to put on a polite face when they are around.
> 
> I thought this would be a good time to post an update on my wife's health, and my situation. I held on after my wife got RAI, and she SLOWLY got better with lots of ups and downs. By summer of this year, a full 9 months after RAI her numbers stabilized and so did our life immediately. I've been very emotional about this whole thing because I looked in my wife's eyes in June and I saw the person I married for the first time in many years. My brain literally couldn't understand that she was back, but she was. Over the course of the last few months we've been able to process most of what happened and talk openly about it. A lot of the scars have healed and we really fell in love again.
> 
> We went on vacation this summer together and it was like we got to have a second honeymoon.
> 
> We're expecting now. Things are much much better. Here's the one bummer that I'm having right now... Everything was great. We literally went from a yelling match daily to a slight disagreement that was easily resolved once every couple of months, but then she got pregnant. Of course most of you are probably aware that when you're pregnant, they like your thyroid levels to be on the high side. This meant increasing her dosage. She's very easily affected by her thyroid levels. There's a point they hit, barely above normal and she flips into this rage person. That has now happened. She has an appointment at the Endo next week, so I'm sure once those tests come back they'll realize the dosage is too high, but man a lot of regression damage can happen in the time till they get her numbers down. By the time they lower her dosage and get her numbers down it will be a month from now.
> 
> The good news for me, is I believe now that she will recover once her numbers stabilize again after the pregnancy, but man it's hard to plan for a baby when you can't communicate, can't have rational conversations for weeks at a time.
> 
> One of my friend's husband had graves and she said, "Yes. It's a process to heal from graves." At the time I didn't understand that, but that's what it is. You have to learn and heal over time. For example, I had to learn that my wife won't remember to take her pills once she gets into a bad state, and to compound matters, the stress of managing the pills will give her anxiety, so I got her a pill case with the days of the week on it and that made a huge difference. You learn how to deal with it over time together and it slowly gets better until it's not that big a deal any more. I'm somewhere on that continuum. Neither the beginning or the end.
> 
> It gets better. I see that now. You just need patience. Literally years in my case. Thanks again for all the support.


Congratulations on the "little one" in process. Maybe it would be wise to talk to the doc now about the wife's current thyroxine dosage?

In any case, I do think your post is a most wonderful post and we are all soooooooooooooooooo happy to hear from you!

This is just awesome!!


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## webster2

I am so glad you posted again to let us know how things are going. Congrats on the new addition, and for hanging in there!


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## ExhaustedGroom

Thanks re: going early to the Endo, thanks for the advice and I'll work on improving the response time on that going forward. It's true, that would make things a lot better.


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## Sandbar

Exhaustedgroom, I am so glad your wife got RAI and has improved though sorry she's having some resurgence. You've shown an amazing level of commitment and love. I would strongly encourage you to be a very active father and keep an eye on how your wife expresses anger and disciplines your future child. You will be a very important counterbalance in times when she may become out of balance.


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