# Repressed Emotions



## Squishee

Hi everyone, I was diagnosed this past December. I had TT and 11 lymphnodes removed (6 were cancerous) in January of this year. I had my RAI May 2nd. The reason I am writing is because, I am having a very difficult time with all of this. When I was diagnosed I cried but then I went forth and did what I had to. Looking back i guess I didnt really have much emotion about it other than being a little scared about the surgery. I guess it never "sunk in" that I had the big C. Well, for some reason I have turned into a crazy hypochondriac with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I cant live like this. I am petrified of everything and I think everything is giong to kill me. Not to mention, panic attacks and anxiety cause symptoms that can mirror serious diseases. I find myself uncontrollably crying over absolutely nothing. I just start crying. Not even thinking about anyhing in particular and I just start balling my eyes out. I was in the emergency room last night because I thought I had all the symptoms of west nile virus!! Well, the good doctor must have known it was a panic attack because she came in and as soon as she walked in the door i just started crying...so embarrassing. I feel like such an idiot sometimes. and I feel so bad for my boyfriend - hes been through so much with me and my emotions are so uncontrollable. I dont know if its the anxiety or if I am a little too hyperthyroid right now (they said they eneded me to be on the hyper side so the cancer doesnt come back) but he said he needs a break from me...and i dont blame him but lets just throw the stress from that on top of me. I find life so unlivable at the moment. Im afraid to take any medication including vitamins because i think it is going to kill me. (maybe repression from the RAI pill?) Anyway, when we left the emergency room we decided to grab a bite to eat and we pull inthe to tha parking lot and I just start crying and crying and I finally said it out loud "I DONT WANT THE CANCER TO COME BACK" "I DONT WANT TO DIE FROM CANCER" "I DIDNT DESERVE TO GET CANCER" I never realized I never actually said those words. I just went ahead and did what I had to do and everyone said I was handling it so well (clearly not) But since then, i still have anxiety and panic. I was hoping that would have been a turning point but apparently I was wrong. I found out I have an infection in my tooth and I need to get it fixed. I ignored it for a while. So now im freaking out because he put me on penicillin and im petrified to take it. I am also wondering if the infection is what is causing my brain fog, ear pain and fatigu (those are anxiety symptoms also)...so here I am still crying over nothing, still afraid of medicine, still afraid of getting a disease....im all alone. I'm sorry i wrote so much I just needed to get it out. (And it also kept my mind off of whatever disease i think i am developing at the moment )


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## Octavia

Welcome...

Hunnybunny...you appear to have some pent-up anxiety, plus you just need to process all of this. I strongly suggest making an appointment with a counselor who deals with health concerns. It's amazing what a differece it will make to just be able to talk about it freely with someone.

Also, yes, some of those tears may be caused by being too hyperthyroid. Do you have any recent lab results, especially your Free T4 level?


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## joplin1975

I certainly don't dismiss the whole emotional toll that thyroid cancer takes...so, I'd say there's no harm in looking at some kind of therapy.

That said, I have this sneaking suspicion that you sound a little hyper, perhaps, and that's adding to the anxiety, making it more unmanageable.

What kind of replacement hormones are you taking and what dose? Do you have the results of your last blood draw with the ranges?


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## Abcdefg

Oh hun, so sorry you feel badly . I've had episodes of anxiety like that, and it really is disabling. I suspect you might also be very overtired. This can exacerbate your already overtaxed emotions and make you jumpy and tearful. Don't be afraid to take your meds, you need those to heal!! Do you have a friend you can visit who helps calm you? Go see her/him and let it all out.

And please feel free to post anything here... they really are a great sympathetic bunch of people who want you to feel better.

xoxoxo


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## Andros

Squishee said:


> Hi everyone, I was diagnosed this past December. I had TT and 11 lymphnodes removed (6 were cancerous) in January of this year. I had my RAI May 2nd. The reason I am writing is because, I am having a very difficult time with all of this. When I was diagnosed I cried but then I went forth and did what I had to. Looking back i guess I didnt really have much emotion about it other than being a little scared about the surgery. I guess it never "sunk in" that I had the big C. Well, for some reason I have turned into a crazy hypochondriac with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I cant live like this. I am petrified of everything and I think everything is giong to kill me. Not to mention, panic attacks and anxiety cause symptoms that can mirror serious diseases. I find myself uncontrollably crying over absolutely nothing. I just start crying. Not even thinking about anyhing in particular and I just start balling my eyes out. I was in the emergency room last night because I thought I had all the symptoms of west nile virus!! Well, the good doctor must have known it was a panic attack because she came in and as soon as she walked in the door i just started crying...so embarrassing. I feel like such an idiot sometimes. and I feel so bad for my boyfriend - hes been through so much with me and my emotions are so uncontrollable. I dont know if its the anxiety or if I am a little too hyperthyroid right now (they said they eneded me to be on the hyper side so the cancer doesnt come back) but he said he needs a break from me...and i dont blame him but lets just throw the stress from that on top of me. I find life so unlivable at the moment. Im afraid to take any medication including vitamins because i think it is going to kill me. (maybe repression from the RAI pill?) Anyway, when we left the emergency room we decided to grab a bite to eat and we pull inthe to tha parking lot and I just start crying and crying and I finally said it out loud "I DONT WANT THE CANCER TO COME BACK" "I DONT WANT TO DIE FROM CANCER" "I DIDNT DESERVE TO GET CANCER" I never realized I never actually said those words. I just went ahead and did what I had to do and everyone said I was handling it so well (clearly not) But since then, i still have anxiety and panic. I was hoping that would have been a turning point but apparently I was wrong. I found out I have an infection in my tooth and I need to get it fixed. I ignored it for a while. So now im freaking out because he put me on penicillin and im petrified to take it. I am also wondering if the infection is what is causing my brain fog, ear pain and fatigu (those are anxiety symptoms also)...so here I am still crying over nothing, still afraid of medicine, still afraid of getting a disease....im all alone. I'm sorry i wrote so much I just needed to get it out. (And it also kept my mind off of whatever disease i think i am developing at the moment )


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw; {{{{Squishee}}}}

Tell us, when did you last have your TSH, FREE T3 and FREE T4 run? We need to see your most recent lab results with the ranges.

What thyroid med are you on and how much?


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## Squishee

Thanks so much to everyone for replying. I do have a therapist and she is helpful, eventhough I cannot let myself cry in front of her - I have issues with that I guess. The only bloodwork I have is TSH and they took that at the ER last night. I havent gotten the results yet. I was trying to find a good endocrinologist but they really are just so terrible. Its so hard to find one that really listens to the patient instead of just going off the paper. So, I found one that im not too crazy about but I need one so I couldnt wait. Of course there is always a long wait time to get an appt with them. Mine is August 15th but I am on the wait list so if anyone cancels they will call me first.
I am currently taking 125 mcg of Synthroid. That is the dose I was put on after surgery. I am only now feeling th effects of it - 6 months later. is that normal?
I am trying to exercise but I get so overheated. Ive never felt like this before. 5 minutes in heat and i want to collapse on the floor. It is the worst feeling...especially when I am exercising.
I am so exhausted. My mind is constantly going and going and going and i just cant stop... I am so glad that I found people to talk to about it on here because i am losing it!
One question: when i go to the Endocrinologist, should i tell him to check my tsh,T3 and T4? I heard that sometimes they only check the TSH.


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## joplin1975

No, it's not normal. It does take a while to feel the effects, but not 6 months...think more in terms of 6 weeks.

Yes, you want them to test your TSH, *FREE* T3, and *FREE* T4. I think you should also ask about whole body scans. Those of us with thyca usually get a handful of whole body radioactive iodine whole body scans for the first couple of years. If anything "lights up" on the scan, there's cause for some concern and further treatment, but if not, you are good to go. I think that would give added assurance.

My gut still says something it off with your labs. But, with that said, it's also important to remember that thyroid cancer, while still cancer, is very easily treatable and it sounds like you are in a group that is low risk for re-growth.


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## Squishee

I had my pet scan for the RAI on May 9th. I have to go back on that terrible diet and have another scan in March. Im going to tell my doctor to test for those...shouldnt he anyway? what is the free t3 and t4?
So basically you are saying its probably my anxiety that is causing all of this and not being hyper since its been 6 months?


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## Octavia

Did you have problems with anxiety before your thyroid cancer?

It could be a combination of anxiety and hyperthyroid.

Yes, you need to get your FREE T3 and FREE T4 tested, in addition to your TSH. The goal is to keep your TSH suppressed (below 1) while keeping your FREE T3 and FREE T4 within the normal range for your lab.

My oncologist looks at my Free T4 and my TSH primarily, but also my Free T3 (to a lesser extent).

It is perfectly okay and acceptable for you to be a little "freaked out" with a cancer diagnosis, but when it becomes a debilitating anxiety, that's just too much.

Are you holding back from truly discussing things with your therapist? Are you just not comfortable with him or her?


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## Squishee

I do have a history of anxiety/depression but its been a while since I really felt anything. I just wish I could get a grip. I feel so out of control. Every little thing I feel in my body, I imagine the worst case scenerio. And its gotten so bad that I cant tell the difference between symptoms from anxiety or symptoms from an actual illness. I just dont know what to do. I dont know if just talking to someone will help. Ive gotten my mind into such destructive thinking habits. I just want to know if this is normal. Im so tired. I want to have one good day and a good nights sleep. No matter what, I have these headaches (most likely brought on by anxiety) and I feel like I have another disease, I feel like a big one is waiting for me. Its so weird because I have no problem doing things that most people are afraid of. Roller Coasters, airplanes etc...in fact i love those things. But im petrified of a bug bite that can give me west nile which leads to encephalitis...im so sick of myself and im scared that this is what my life will be like from now on.


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## interpret77

I went the smart way and I started seeing a counselor pretty quickly after my surgery. I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues as well. I would advise seeking out a counselor as it has helped me SO much.


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## Andros

interpret77 said:


> I went the smart way and I started seeing a counselor pretty quickly after my surgery. I was dealing with a lot of emotional issues as well. I would advise seeking out a counselor as it has helped me SO much.


Ditto that! I only had Graves' and I sought out counseling in the aftermath. Best money I ever spent. Got right on track in a healthy way!!!

Good for you for being so insightful and caring to yourself. I will always say, "If you don't treat yourself good; nobody else will!"


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